Pregnant for Two Years: Adoption Journey

I read recently that elephants are pregnant from eighteen to twenty-two months.  Can you imagine? Almost two years!

During both my pregnancies I couldn't get a true, deep breath.  I had to shallow breathe for the last few months until the boys were born.  Sleep was a distant friend during the last trimester.  

Though I feared losing my freedom, I had always wanted to be a mom.  But, I was not made for pregnancy like some of my crazy awesome friends who ran daily while pregnant.  I was sick at the beginning and huge at the end.  I could barely do normal life stuff.

When you are pregnant, you are expecting.  Literally expecting.  You are waiting and anticipating.  You are preparing and rearranging and nesting.  There is a timeframe with a due date.

I've gone through this twice.  Neither went very well in terms of "normal" deliveries and both my boys spent time in the NICU.  One with minor breathing issues for 11 days and one who is now in heaven after an eight-month fight with heart disease.

So, the journey to motherhood has not been an easy path.  I can't say many moms would say it is easy.  Many of my dearest friends have suffered the horrible quiet pain of miscarriage and infertility.  Since being a mom of loss, I am now much more acquainted with the world where people lose children.  So much pain!

The crazy thing is after all of that I am still on this unpredictable journey to motherhood.  And, like that elephant, I have been pregnant for two years.  Not physically, of course. But, on paper, as we wait to adopt.

Two years ago this week I attended my very first informational meeting about adoption with a dear friend of mine.  She is also a mom who has been through the adoption process and has a beautiful daughter.  She would totally agree with me that the road to motherhood is not without its painful detours.

Since college, I have always wanted to adopt and dreamed of scooping littles ones up from all around the world.  But, some days I just wish to have another baby but it just isn't the very best thing medically for my body and that brings its own set of feelings of loss.

Adopting has proven to be just like pregnancy.  It is a lot of waiting.  A lot of unknowns. A lot of shallows breaths.  A lot of sleepless hours or dreams of babies who aren't in my arms.  A lot of wishing and expecting.  There is no "planned parenthood" when it comes to adoption.  We could adopt tomorrow or in a year.  Even though we have been active with our agency for 14 months!  There is no due date.

So, for now, I will for this month feel empathy for that mama elephant as I wait and wait and wait and wait....how long do we wait????  How many times will we come close and it fall through?

Pray for us as we wait.  Pray for wisdom as we think about our family and what is best for our future.  Pray that God will grow our family through adoption and prepare us along the way.  Pray for me as I can't get a full deep breath and my sleep is affected just like it was when I was waiting on my boys.

Pray we get THE call and it doesn't fall through....again!

Hudson's Big Brother

Hudson's name comes up every day in our house. A memory will come to mind or we will see his name somewhere. I kid you not. Every day that little boy's name appears on clothing labels, work trailers, street signs, ring designs, or something just out of the blue online or in a store. So, it is not uncommon for us to talk about him.

Tonight on the way to the store, Graham asked me if he was my favorite boy. This is something we do often. I told him that he was my favorite boy in the whole world (after daddy, of course). A few moments went by and he said, "Was Hudson also your favorite boy?"

I choked up immediately and through my tears, I replied, "You are my favorite big boy and Hudson is my favorite little boy."

Normally after an interaction like this Graham will go on to another topic pretty quickly but tonight was different.  He wanted to keep talking about Hudson.

I've noticed the last few weeks that Graham is growing more curious about his little brother in heaven. He's asked me things like, "Mommy, why don't you have more babies?" I then reminded him that I do but that he lives in heaven with Jesus.  Graham notices that all of his friends have younger siblings.  

Twice recently he has asked me that once we "get our baby" (meaning adopt), "Will we get to keep that baby or will the baby go to heaven too?"  He is understanding more and more what it means that we had Hudson here and now we do not.  

As we pulled into the parking lot tonight, I heard sniffling coming from the back seat.  These were like grown-up sniffles from real tears. Not normal four-year-old tears because he bumped his foot for the tenth time today.  Real emotion type tears.

I asked what was wrong and he said, "I miss Hudson."  Once again, the tears flowed for both of us.  He then asked me if Hudson would ever come back to be with us. It took me a few moments to compose myself but I was finally able to whisper, "No, buddy. He won't come back.  He's in heaven."

This is the first time since losing Hudson that Graham has really cried for his brother.  He has cried before when we talked about him but tonight it was different.  These were big boy cries of grief.  I'm seeing my little boy grow up as a big brother but without his little brother. He asked me in the grocery store tonight who could sit next to him in the cart and then he said his Pooh or Hudson could sit there.

As Graham soaks up the world and sees other families, he understands who the mommy is in the family, who the daddy is, the big and little brothers and sisters.  He is beginning to realize that we are missing his three-year-old little brother in a more tangible and emotional way.  Navigating his emotions of loss is painful for both of us.

Tonight we just sat in the grocery store parking lot and cried together.  I am sure this won't be the last time we cry together over the missing piece in our family.

As we got out of the car, we played a little game we often play together.  It is called, "What if Hudson were here?" I know that might sound strange but honestly, it has helped us heal and brought us silly laughter many times.  Sometimes we say things like, "I bet Hudson would be really good at Hide and Seek." 

Tonight as we played this little family game that was created out of our grief, I said, "If Hudson were here you two could have shared a room together and maybe even gotten bunk beds. But, then he'd probably laugh at you all the time and you wouldn't get any sleep." Graham, in true big brother fashion, said, "No, he would have to room with the baby we are going to get. I'm not sharing my room."

We wiped our tears and talked about how sick our buddy Hudson was and that he fought so hard. We talked about how there are no tears in heaven and that Hudson's heart is not messed up anymore. I told Graham that Hudson won't come back because he is with Jesus and he would never, ever want to leave Him. And, then we went and got some ice cream with our tear-stained faces.

Grahambo misses you, Huddy Buddy. More and more we miss you, not less and less. The hole gets bigger as you would be getting older. In my head, I can hear the silly laughs you and your big brother would be sharing.  I'll hear them for real when I join you in eternity. Until then, my boy, we best buddies and you are my favorite boy, just like your big brother and your daddy. Love, Mommy

Here are just a few pictures of times that we have recently seen see our boy's name.  We love seeing his name. If you come across it, share it with us!

Before 40

In November I will hit a pretty big milestone in life. I turn 40. As I write that number, it seems impossible.  Where have the second have of my 30's gone? The first half I soaked up every ounce of NYC that I could!

Life has been unbelievably busy since I got married 5.5 years ago.  We've lived in five states, changed jobs, had two babies, spent almost nine months in the hospital with our youngest son, lost him to heart disease, then moved again to the Chicago area as we have been navigating loss and grief.

We also bought a lovely house and have finally found some great community through a local church.  We started the adoption journey officially about 18 months ago and we have been actively waiting for 13 of those months.

We have come super close to our forever baby three times now.  Pregnancy is no easy journey. I definitely didn't handle it well either time for different reasons. But, at least there is a due date where it comes to an end. With adoption, there are no due dates. You just WAIT and WAIT and WAIT. So, that is where we are now with our adoption journey. Waiting!

I am sure that many moms (and dads!) could say the same about their lives. Time flies by with all the big and little decisions to be made. Even if you've not moved several thousand times like us. Well, that's an exaggeration but not by much ;).

As I think about this big birthday that is lurking around the corner, it is a good time for me to take stock in a few areas of my life. I am thinking through a few goals I'd like to pursue during the next 70ish days before my bday.

Here are a few goals I have so far:

Run a 10K Race: this is something I did regularly in my old life in NYC but I haven't done a race beyond a 5k in a number of years. I'll start looking for one to do before my birthday.

NYC trip: this will likely have to have after the big bday. We have a reunion trip scheduled for December. Can't wait to see my friends and pretend I live on the upper west side for a long weekend!

Rebuild my blog or launch a new one: This goal deserves its own blog entry but I'll share that this has been on my mind for several months now. The more I grow as a writer/researcher the more I want to explore managing my own site. I plan to continue writing for the different blogs/editors that I currently write for weekly.  I have A LOT to learn for this to be what I hope for it to be but I'm going to jump soon. More details to come.

140's by 40: This goal could also take an entire blog entry...actually an entire book. My weight has gone up and down so many times.  I've struggled with extra pounds since childhood and I've obsessively taken it off several times. Sometimes I did it with eating very low calories and exercising nonstop. But, then I finally learned how to take care of myself and started running regularly. I will expound on this more too. Today I find myself where I've been many times. I am around 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. I am thankful that I'm not 75 pounds heavier like I have been in the past. I need to lose around 16ish pounds to be back in the 140's.  I feel pretty good and strong in the mid 140's.  It is going to take some self-control, a clear plan, accountability, and some good training to achieve this goal.

Adopt: Another goal...more of a dream because I can't control this one is to adopt before I'm 40. So, get to praying, people!

Grief Sets You Apart

I miss my son. My special, strong boy. The missing will never leave me. The place where he belongs in our family only gets larger as he would be getting older. I missed him terribly at Graham's birthday party. His little brother was so clearly absent that I could feel it with each breath that I took. 

I think that I will look for him each day of my life. Every family photo I will notice where he would be. Every meal, every holiday, every moment of my life, I look to the place made just for Hudson. On Graham's wedding day, we will have a missing groomsman. On my deathbed, I will be looking and seeing where he should be standing, next to his big brother, Graham. This hole will never leave me. I will always see and feel it.

Grief is longing and loving and aching. It washes over like a tidal wave that nearly drowns you. Grief changes everything. Everything. It has changed my capacity (everything requires more energy now), the way I see the world, the way I see God and prayer and church and worship. It has changed me. My heart has aged a lifetime.

I feel everything more deeply now. The good and the hard emotions. Joy is more palpable and genuine, and sorrow is felt down in my bones.  

We all carry grief in our hearts. A lost love. A lost dream. A lost marriage. A lost child. A lost parent. A lost sibling. A lost career.  A loss of health. A loss of identity.

Our grief sets us apart. It marks us. We are persevering in a fallen and broken world with battle scars. The danger I am facing is that grief wants to separate me.

Being set apart as a veteran of grief and loss is something that God can use. 

But, grief wants to whisper often and consistently, "No one understands, nor can they understand. You are alone in your sorrow. You are alone in your loss. You don't manage your grief like you should. You should hide. You should be ashamed. You should have more faith. God doesn't even understand you anymore. You are different now. They don't want to know this new you. This hurting you. Just pull away. Just hide. Just manage the tidal wave alone."

I am in the war now. Everything in me wants to retreat and be separated by my grief. Separated from people, family, my own heart, and certainly from this big God who loves me but confuses me.

My new prayer is that God would allow my grief to set me apart, battle scars and all. But, that I won't believe the lies and run away alone and be swallowed by the grief. Because, oh will it swallow you! 

I was reminded of this beautiful song last week and I just realized (after naming this post!) it has the phrase, "set me apart" right there in the lyrics. Lord, chase me down when grief drags me to loneliness, hopelessness, and deep sorrow. Don't let me isolate my heart from those who love me. Don't let my hardened, bruised heart push you away. Mold me, Lord. Make me like clay in your hands. I've been there before but now, I'm so wounded that my heart is hardened in the survival of grief. Soften me, Lord, and then use me again.

The Potter's Hand

Beautiful Lord, wonderful savior

I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands

Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence

Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit

Teach me, dear Lord,

To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling

Set me apart

I know You're drawing me to Yourself

Lead me, Lord, I pray

Take me, Mold me

Use me, Fill me

I give my life to the Potter's hands

Hold me, Guide me

Lead me, Walk beside me

I give my life to the Potter's hand