A Ministry I Never Wanted

When I was in college I spent many hours listening to talks and reading books about giving my all for Jesus. As I listened to seasoned missionaries like Helen Roseveare and passionate pastors like John Piper, I was challenged to consider my comfort zone and flee from it for fear of passivity in the urgent call of Christ. I was deeply in love with Jesus because He had pursued me for many years as ran with all my might away from my church upbringing. As my heart softened to Jesus in college, I began to desire to live a life that honored Him. I started considering where God would use me. I knew from scripture that many who followed Christ went to hard places and went through challenging times. My worldview was being shaped by legacies of Christian missionaries like Nate Saint, Jim Elliot, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I needed these challenges to my Americanized view of comfortable Christianity. 

I remember telling God in tears in my dorm room, “I will go anywhere you send me with whomever you choose.” I thought I was offering my whole heart and life. I thought I knew what a mission field looked like and I felt ready for this challenging call of Christ to take up my cross.

I would find myself thinking about the kinds of hard circumstances I might be called to at some point in my life. My limited view imagined that God might call me to live without air conditioning, far from my family, for the sake of The Gospel.

So, it was clear that I desperately needed the challenges of other spiritual giants to get out of my very limited comfort zone. I thought that my worldview had exploded to include the huts in a country without proper toilets. I thought a difficult calling was limited to ministry in the inner city or with a tribe in Africa. I can say with firsthand knowledge that ministry in both of those places is extremely difficult but once again, my scope of calling, ministry, and challenging was extremely narrow.

My view of calling and ministry has expanded with years of walking with Him. I have now seen that God often gives us ministry opportunities that we never asked for and certainly never wanted.

For example, when I approached my late twenties as a single, I thought, “For sure I’ll meet my husband soon. All my friends are married.” When my friends started having their second and third child I thought, “He must be on the horizon.”

But, that wasn’t the case. When my heart was broken at the age of 31 by a man I thought I would marry, God gave me a ministry I never wanted. What I wanted was to be married and raise children but God, in His sovereign goodness, gave me women with broken hearts to walk alongside, study scripture, and do our lives together.  He gave me opportunities to use the pain, rejection, and tears. My worldview about ministry opened again. Living many years of singleness and ministering out of that stage of life was incredibly rewarding but also vulnerable and painful. And, I certainly hadn’t asked for this season of prolonged singleness.

Fast forward a few years and God called me to a new mission field called the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. I never dreamed of spending nine months in a hospital with my very sick son. I remember holding him and thinking about that same hut in Africa that terrified me as a new Christian. I remember wishing to be in the hut far from the pain I was feeling seeing my son hurt. Once again, God gave me a ministry I never asked for or wanted. I can’t say I did this unwanted ministry well on most days for it was consuming emotionally and physically simply being a mom to a critically sick baby but I have a few select memories of God working through my presence in this unlikely mission field.

I held a mom as her son’s heart rate fell to zero and the code alarm sounded. I prayed for so many heart babies and families whom I would never had known without the calling to the heart unit. I prayed for my own son and sang songs to him about our big God. I told him of heaven and he was my ministry. I wouldn’t trade that previously unwanted mission field for the world, no matter how painful.

Now that we have lost our son, I find myself with a new ministry. Once again this is a ministry I did not want or ask for. I never wanted to be in the “I lost a child” club like the rest of its members. In the year since losing our son, people will reach out to me because they have a sick child, they have lost a child, or a close friend has lost a child. I don’t have magic words but I am honest, vulnerable, and cry real tears with them. I don’t try to suppress their pain with fluffy words or put a quick band-aid on it with a verse out of place. I simply hear their stories, share mine, and together we feebly try to see the hope only found in Jesus.

I’m guessing that God has given most of us ministries we never wanted. I can think of a few just amongst my friends.

Folks like the…

Foster parents who are offering their hearts to the unknown for the sake of the children.

Single women giving their everything for Christ and not settling for less than God’s best.

Teachers who bring in extra supplies and deeply love their students.

Nurses who do their very best even when they are bone tired.

Divorcees who choose to engage in church and love on others even when their lives have been torn apart.

Parents taking care of chronically sick children.

Pastors who come to your side during all the beautiful and horrific things life brings.

Families who are pursuing adoption after long battles with infertility and miscarriages.

While I still am unsure about this ministry with hurting families of child loss, I am honored that God would use my broken heart once again in the lives of others to bring glory for His namesake.

For all of you stepping into ministry moments that you never wanted, I am right there too and I see you. Most importantly God sees you and He’s equipped you, even if you never asked for it!

To God be the Glory

He Should Be Two Years Old

Hudson Taylor Alexander Sylvestre

July 17, 2015-March 20, 2016

He should be two. He should be running. He should be saying, “Mama” and squealing with all his might. He should be having tantrums in Target and stealing his big brother’s toys. He should be wearing hand me downs from big brother. He should have been at the water park with us last weekend. He should be in every family photo. He should be slightly shorter than big brother with slightly darker, crazier hair. He should be growing taller and losing some of his baby rolls. He should be grinning ear to ear and running down the stairs when daddy gets home. He should be in the bathtub splashing his big brother. He should be promoted to the two year old class at church this Sunday. He should be friends with all those cuties. He should be sharing a room with his big brother. He should be hiding while we are seeking. He should be singing, “Wheels on the Bus” and learning his alphabet. He should be saying silly words and pronouncing words in his own way. He should be refusing to eat his dinner and getting gum in his hair. He should be mixing the playdough colors together to make them turn that yucky brown. He should be under my feet as I try to cook. He should be leaving his shoes in the hall so to trip to me and daddy.  He should be the little brother to his big brother. He should be at weddings and on the farm with grandparents. He should be asking for more “Daniel Tiger” and ice cream. He should be buckled in his seat at dinner time. He should be learning about God and singing, “Jesus loves Hudson, This I know.” He should be the youngest cousin to the big ones in the pool.  He should make us a family of four when we go out to eat. He should now get his own seat on the plane. He should be in my arms and not just my heart. He should be two.

Thanks so much to these sweet new friends who did a party in the park for our precious Hudson! That just meant the world to me!!!

A Grief Journey: The Gift of the Ordinary

"We often miss what is important on the quest for extraordinary." Brene Brown

I am a person of routine. I like making lists and checking off the things accomplished. I even write lists of things I’ve already done just to check them off. You too?

Well perhaps your day includes making breakfast, paying a bill online, getting an oil change, the drop off line and lists upon lists of to-dos. Ordinary life consists of things like grocery lists, school and church event calendars and family vacations.

Just last year I longed for the ordinary. The struggles of normal life of juggling work, home and ministry felt a million miles away. I was sitting in the cardiac intensive care unit day after day, hour after hour for months. Today I wouldn’t exchange a single second of that time with my son for anything spectacular much less something ordinary. But, some days sitting in that sterile, fluorescent-lite hospital room, I would dream of simple days of needing to mow the grass and run to the grocery store. These tasks don’t disappear when your child is hospitalized but they certainly don’t matter the way they once did.

Right after losing our son, the ordinary tasks of “adulting” were nearly impossible. Trying to write simple emails or texts took herculean mind power.  Yet I wanted the ordinary. I wanted to be normal and to be able to go to the grocery store without feeling out of body and in a fog.

I remember standing among strangers feeling as though I had come back from war and all my wounds were covered by my clothing. They didn’t know where I had been, what I had seen, what I had lost or that my wounds were so fresh that some were still bleeding through the hidden bandages. I wanted to run or scream or stop them and tell them, “Do you know where I’ve been? Do you know there’s a war? Do you know they are dying?” But, I just stood there observing the ordinary; life happening all around me.

Choosing fresh fruit

Checking the mail

Tying a shoe

Chasing after the bus

Scolding a child

Holding hands

Looking back over the months spent with our son, I realized there was a around a three month period where the only places I went were our apartment and the hospital. I stopped communication with everyone but my husband, my sons and the doctors/nurses. I only knew the war. All I could bear was the war; the war my son was fighting to stay alive. It was his fight but I was in the war with him. There was no ordinary.

It’s been around 400 days since we left the war. It’s not over and is still going on in that same hospital room. It’s a new child now because our son is done. Our son will no longer know the war and he will never know the ordinary.

I wish he got to know the ordinary for just a little while. Soccer games, Sunday school, crushes on little girls, playing with his big brother and bath time. But, really…are those memories ordinary?

The way I think is different now that I’m outside the war. When I’m observing every day, ordinary life I wonder things like,

“Are those her only two children or does she have more in heaven like I do?”

“Oh, she’s about 6 months pregnant. Oh Jesus, please knit that baby together with a full heart.”

“I can only imagine what it would be like with two wild toddler boys to running around this little town home! I might be crazy by now!”

I’ve realized that all the little things we do that make up this ordinary life really aren’t all that ordinary. Ordinary means commonplace, normal, standard. My special son taught me that at the end of the day nothing is truly ordinary. Doing laundry, going to work, caring for our homes, giving to the church, sharing our hearts, completing those to-do lists every week become extraordinary when we consider them as acts of love and ways to build lasting memories.

For example, a few weeks ago my son was playing in Chick Fil A with several little girls. Up the slide and down the slide. Squeals heard for miles. Seemingly so ordinary. No wounds visible to the outside. Yet, our big boy has lost his little brother and those little girls had lost their dad just a few days earlier. Simple playing. Hidden wounds. So extraordinary.

I can no longer do a task in and of itself without connecting it to the larger purpose of my life to love and serve others. Sometimes I still unload the dishwasher on autopilot but when I lay my head down at night, I think about the war. His war. My war wounds are still not visible to those around me. I’m sure your wounds are also hidden. So let’s remember together that life is not commonplace. There is always a bigger story going on in the lives of those around us. Let’s step into the ordinary of others’ lives to find the extraordinary; perhaps engaging deeply enough in hopes to stop the hidden bleeding. Let’s invest in others’ hearts by sharing our own wounds.

I’ve realized my strong son and the grief we have endured has exposed me to the gift of the ordinary and for that I am thankful.

“The most extraordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children.” ― G.K. Chesterton

Is God Still Good When Your Child Dies?

As Christians we study the Bible to learn the character of the God we worship. We find that He is sovereign, holy, eternal while simultaneously being tender, loving and good.  Our entire purpose and existence is to glorify this good God and enjoy Him forever not just now in this world but for all eternity. These are the truths of Christianity that we hold dear.  As children we sing, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me."

But, is God still good when your child dies?

The last year and a half of my life has been excruciating as I watched my precious baby boy come into and leave this world after just eight months and three days.

So as a Christian I have been forced to my knees in a new way of surrender. To surrender my child to death has caused me to question even the deepest truths of my life and faith including the goodness of God.  It has been near impossible to walk in the depths of despair and say words like the ones of Psalm 106:1.

Say them with me:

"Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting."

Now let’s try saying them as your child breathes his last breath. Or as your spouse walks out the door. Or as the power is shut off. Or as you celebrate Christmas without your loved one. Or as you are huddled in a corner in Aleppo with your terrified family. But, we should say them at these most horrific times because these holy words are true.

I've doubted the goodness of God in my situation and perhaps you have too. When everything in me screams that there is no way God can be good, I must look to His Word and not let my faith be swayed by my emotions or my circumstances. Knowing that God is good doesn't diminish my pain or loss but it gives me firm, eternal ground to stand on. My circumstance is not good. But, He is good.

This I know is true: God's goodness is eternal. He was good when the people of Israel were enslaved. He was good when Jesus was on the cross. He was good during World War II and the Holocaust. He was good when my dad was at war in Vietnam and He is good today as I sit in my home looking at my son's Christmas stocking without him.

We intentionally (though a bit hesitantly) chose our Christmas card this year to remind ourselves that the goodness of God is eternal and not circumstantial. We chose this card because it is still true even in the year our son died.

This Christmas night I’m so thankful that God's goodness is forever. Somehow, in His sovereign will, He will work even the darkest, ugliest, most painful parts of our broken hearts into His good story of redemption alongside the story of the nativity. God doesn't explain Himself fully to us in this life but what we know dimly now, we will know fully when we see Him face to face in all His goodness.

Dear Hudson: a letter to my baby boy in heaven

From Daddy & Mama

Written for our Hudson for his special service

May 20, 2016

Our Precious Hudson, our Huddy Buddy,

We often told you that you were the strongest person we had ever met. We sang Happy Birthday regularly. We would hold you for hours and sing to you and you would hold onto our finger for dear life. We talked about the seasons, what kindergarten is like, what middle and high school is like, prom, college, your amazing grandparents, fun uncles, aunts & cousins, The Alexander Farm and The Sylvestre farm and about tractors and helicopters. How we met and fell in love walking along the HUDSON River. About your big brother, Grahambo who learned the word, “brother” before he could say Hudson because that is how he knew you, his little brother. We told you about everything but most importantly about Jesus and heaven and how it was a real place where we will all be together.

We are so happy that you know the whole story now. You know what eternity is, what God looks like and you’ve touched the nail prints in Jesus’ hands. You’ve seen the golden streets and spent time with the Apostle Paul. There are no scars on your little body. You know the WHOLE story. THE WHOLE REDEMPTIVE STORY. You know your piece of the story and how much of an impact you’ve had on thousands of people, mostly on your mama and daddy’s hearts.

Forevermore, we will be Hudson’s mama and daddy. Though your home is in heaven, you will forever be our special boy who we would stare into your eyes and wished to bring to our house and show you the precious things of life, the mundane things and the most important things. We will miss your chubby cheeks, your squishy arms, your silly side burns and your little grunts telling us about your day.

We wanted to teach your ABC’s and how to count to five. We wanted to see you run and play and call your name across the house when it’s time for bed. We wanted to cuddle you and Graham on the bed just before it was time for “night, night”. We wanted to dance at your wedding and be your children’s grandparents but God’s plan was different.

God chose to call you home and to reveal to you, before us, His whole redemptive story. We don’t know exactly how heaven works. We know we will worship our amazing God but we do hope that God will allow you to welcome us there. To welcome us home, to be truly home and to finally see the whole story alongside you. What a glorious day it will be, to be with you again, our boy. Our precious Hudson. Our Huddy Buddy.

We miss you and wish we could have you back but sweet boy, enjoy our sweet Jesus. We are so glad you are whole.

We best buddies. Daddy, Mama, Graham & Hudson.

We best buddies…forevermore.

My Prayer Life After Losing My Precious Baby Hudson...What does that look like?

This is going to brutally honest...just to warn you.

I don't know about you but my prayer life sometimes looks like a printed plan posted here or there that I diligently pray through. More often than not, it is a breathed prayer here, another there throughout my day, over a meal, as I shower, as I tuck my little Graham into bed, as I drive or walk, etc.

"God, please....we need to park sometime in the next hour. Please help us find a spot where we don't have to walk for a year to get to our apartment!"

"God, please help me find my wallet!"

"God, please be with so and so as they go through this or that."

These are my natural conversations all day long with God. Simple little moments where I try to invite God into my frustration or impatience or whatever is ruling me at the moment. I know I'm supposed to pray in faith but over the last year it has been mostly out of obedience.

But now...what about now?

My sweet husband and I have often stopped to pray together over little things. It is a habit for us.

But now...what about now?

The most important prayers we've ever said seemingly have gone unanswered. And yet, I find myself going about my normal life and breathing a prayer here and prayer there.

Then...I stop...I get angry.

I think....

"Why pray over my lost wallet or phone or a parking place or a job or a house or Syria or the presidential race or ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, when the MOST IMPORTANT PRAYERS...seemingly have gone unheard???"

How can He care about my wallet and answer that stupid prayer in seconds yet not hear me screaming on the bathroom floor for eight months?

Well, if you thought I had answers. You read this for nothing. I don't.

All I have is anger that I'm trying to wash with the eternal words of God.

He is my strong tower. He loves me. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are above my thoughts. He is God. I am not. He is eternal. I am a piece of grass withering away. I am the apple of His eye. He sent His son to die for me and for my Hudson. He loves me. He loves Hudson.

As I held my baby boy for the last time, we prayed. We prayed over our boy. I will share more about that later but one thing I told God is that we have different values. As a mama...my value is keeping my baby close to me for always. But, it was clear that within a few moments, God was going to allow my son to be taken from me for forever.

So...what does my prayer life look like right now?

Questioning
Anger
Truth
Lies
Tears
Tears
Tears
Anger
Doubt
Truth
Anger
Tears

I know the Bible, folks. I know God. I know ultimately His plans are better than mine but it is almost impossible to believe Him when your child is ripped away from you.

So that's just the brutal truth.

I love Jesus. I'm devastated.
There you have it.

Keep praying. Clearly I need it.

My Response to Monty Williams' Words

Don't get me wrong. I love Jesus. I have for many years now. I love His Word and believe it to be true. I would have lost my mind a long time ago without God's Word as my anchor. With that, I agree with every word that Monty Williams said as he honored God, his wife, his family and even the family of the woman responsible for the accident.

BUT, I think that we (us Christians) expect grief and suffering to be tidy. 

What makes me uncomfortable is the unrealistic expectation we put on ourselves as Christians. We quote Romans 8:28 and all should be okay. We often subtly expect our grief to look like resilience and composure just moments after earth shattering tragedy. I'm 100% guilty of distancing myself from grieving friends and family because it made me uncomfortable and I was unsure what to say. I force words I don't mean when I say, "I'm fine" to avoid others feeling uncomfortable. I isolate myself because how I feel about life as we hurt is certainly anything but tidy and composed.

Grief and suffering isn't tidy. In fact, it's excruciating and ugly. It looks like weeping on the bathroom floor for hours screaming for God to intervene. It looks like questioning everything you've ever believed.

While I applaud the example of grace and forgiveness shown in Monty Williams' words, I hope that we, the church, leave space for the untidy, wrestling with God's painful plans, sleepless nights kind of real grief. 

Let's face it. 
That's the kind of grief we have in common with Jesus anyway.

I want to be better at weeping with those that weep.

Hope lives here.

So my family and I have been at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) since June 29th (minus 3 days I went home to North Carolina for work and to sort out a few important details). I had Hudson on July 17th and he has been in the cardiac intensive care unit since.

On the day of so many tests and attempts at a diagnosis, I sat in their diagnostics center and the Special Delivery Unit for many hours. You can't be at CHOP long without seeing their logo and tagline.

I teared up in that lobby as I read those words, "Hope lives here." 

Our sweet Hudson has overcome so much during the three months of his little life and the obstacles aren't over. But, the first time I read their tagline I didn't know if I'd ever even get to meet our sweet boy alive. I desperately wanted their tagline to be true.

 (One day I'll take the time to tell the story of his birth and the miracle that was.)

For now, I want to talk about hope.

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen; a feeling of trust

I've had moments of hope and moments of despair. The idea of hope and even the word "hope" typically leave us feeling positive but this tagline leaves out how hope is produced in us.

Romans 5:1-5

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 

3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

So where does hope come from?

Suffering. 

Perseverance. 

Character. 

HOPE.

I HATE this chain reaction. His ways are not our ways. Not MY ways.

But, hope comes from suffering.

Ultimately we are left with going back to verse 2.

"Rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." That's our ultimate HOPE. 

Jesus.

I'm telling myself this more than I'm telling you.

Naming Our Precious Son

Corey and I have chosen special names for our special boy.
In true French tradition, we are giving our baby boy three names.
Such a big name for such a little guy.

Hudson Taylor Alexander Sylvestre
Born: July 17, 2015
12:30pm
6 pounds 7 ounces
19 inches

Hudson: 
We chose Hudson for 2 reasons. One we highly admire the missionary to China, Hudson Taylor. This quote describes his life well. We pray that our Hudson will share Jesus with others freely.

Historian Ruth Tucker summaries the theme of his life, "No other missionary in the nineteen centuries since the Apostle Paul has had a wider vision and has carried out a more systematized plan of evangelizing a broad geographical area than Hudson Taylor."

The second reason we chose Hudson is because Corey and I fell in love walking along the Hudson River in Manhattan and part of our first date was walking in the rain along the Hudson.
So his first name is part of Corey and me together.

Taylor: 

Once again in honor of Hudson Taylor but the major reason we appreciate the name Taylor is after Sandi Taylor and her family (Bill, Abby, Hannah and Margaret). Sandi has influenced my life in a million ways and has taught me to walk with God and live for him and others. Bill and Sandi love Corey and I well. We hope that our little Taylor will have character and generous hearts like the Taylor's.

Alexander:

We give our son the name Alexander because of my dad. Alexander means, "defender of mankind." It is, of course, my maiden name but more importantly we want our son to love Jesus and those around him the way his "Papa Joe" does and to wear the Alexander name knowing it comes from a man who would give him absolutely anything. His Alexander grandparents love him unconditionally and would never require him to do anything for their love.
This name is part of me, his mama.

Sylvestre:

Our special boy will wear his father's last name proudly. Hudson has the most amazing daddy and Sylvestre grandparents who love Jesus and love him so much. We pray he has his daddy's patience and is a prayer warrior like his Sylvestre grandparents.
This name is part of his daddy.

More Prayer Needed

• Pray that I don't go into labor or have complications where they need to take the baby early. We are really praying for another 3-4 weeks before we have to deliver. This is absolutely crucial. 
• Pray that I feel okay. I have had several scary episodes where my heart races and I feel pretty sick on my stomach. They checked my blood yesterday and it is okay. That is amazing because had it been off, they would have been forced to deliver.
• Pray the fluid stops returning! This is causing complications for me and the baby. They drained the fluid for a third time again yesterday and it hurt so badly.
• Pray for health and life for our little boy. He's so active in my womb. We desperately want to love on him and have him healthy and strong. We need a miracle. A supernatural, part the Red Sea, walk on water miracle.
• Pray for Corey as he is away flying/working. Pray for safety and for the Lord's presence.
• Pray for our faith and for soft hearts.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the calls, texts, facebook messages and generous gifts. 

http://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

I want to be able to sing this song and mean it....

Grander earth has quaked before Moved by the sound of His voice Seas that are shaken and stirred Can be calmed and broken for my regard Chorus Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Through it all, through it all It is well Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You It is well with me Verse 2 Far be it from me to not believe Even when my eyes can't see And this mountain that's in front of me Will be thrown into the midst of the sea Chorus Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Through it all, through it all It is well Bridge x3 So let go my soul and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name(repeat last line during 3rd run) It is well with my soul It is well with my soul It is well with my soul It is well with my soul repeat 3x(increasing in strength and volume) It is well it is well with my soul x3 ahhhhhhh (softly) Chorus x2-3 (softly slowly) Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Lord Through it all, through it all It is well with me.

I'm in Philadelphia....

I came back to Philadelphia on Monday morning and spent the whole day again at the hospital. They had to drain 1.5 liters of amniotic fluid from me and fluid from the baby's lung.  I had grown unbelievably miserable over the weekend and the fluid is the reason. I thought I was going to burst! They had to observe me from 1pm to 6:45pm because I started contracting a little bit. The doctors do not know why the fluid is happening. Please pray it stops!

It was great to be home for a few days to get some work done for my job and few other things that were weighing on me. The best part was seeing my family and my sweet Graham. I'm missing Corey so much but we Skype everyday so that helps some. Keep praying for him. He's living in a hotel and is working straight with no days off.

We got a test result back yesterday and our baby's chromosomes are NORMAL!!!!!! Praise the Lord! I've been begging God for this. We do have one more pretty scary test result lingering. We hope to hear good news about that next week. Please pray that this test would be clear and we can move forward knowing that our little one does not have any mental, developmental limitations.

Continue to pray for his heart to grow and development along with all the arteries, veins, etc. That he would be strong enough for surgery and survive such an intense situation. We are begging God for a new heart all together. Pray that the fluid would not hinder any other growth (lungs, intestines, etc). That he would be growing big and strong in all ways. Please also pray that I do not go into labor until very close to my due date which is August 26th.

So...looks like I live in Philadelphia now. I am on modified bed rest (meaning I can shower and sit back down) and cannot travel back and forth from North Carolina for appointments. We are staying at friend's of a friend's place this week and co-workers/friends from my days at Redeemer in NY are helping us find housing for the coming weeks. I am beyond overwhelmed at everyone's generosity.

Crystal is with me. That's an understatement. We've joke that all of our pictures are "Amy & Crystal in Mooresville," Amy & Crystal in South Africa," Amy & Crystal in France," "Amy & Crystal in Myrtle Beach," Amy & Crystal in NY." We've gone through so much together and she is supporting me beyond belief right now. Getting food, sitting for HOURS at the hospital, being away from her husband, my bro, Bradley. Get this....she dropped her grad school classes...pushing her graduation date...just to be here with me. I'm so overwhelmed by her but not surprised. So now its...."Amy & Crystal in Philadelphia."

We are navigating so much with doctors, finances, living, insurance, care for Graham, work, etc. Thank you for loving and supporting us. We are overwhelmed with gratitude.

Keep praying!!!!

http://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

Monday Appointment Update

So not to hold back....yesterday was horrible!

We arrived at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) at 6:45am and left at 6:45pm and the entire time was in appointments of some kind. I had an MRI for over an hour...that was horrific....then a three hour sonogram which involves lots of pushing on my abdomen. We then met with a specialist who gave us very difficult news. They needed to remove the fluid from the baby's chest pretty much immediately because it was pushing the heart to one side and deflating one of his lungs.

They could not give me any medication as they pushed the needle to my belly and then into the baby. I am a massive chicken but I survived and it did not start labor. I got shots, blood work and they did another electrocardiogram on the baby for over an hour.

We will be getting results back from the fluid in the next few days. They are trying to determine why this is happening. It could be genetic, a virus, an infection, etc. We are begging God that the fluid will not return and that our little one is completely normal in all ways, mentally and physically.

Pray for Corey as he is flying everyday now. Pray for peace and for safety.

Pray for me as I undergo more testing today and tomorrow.

Pray for our sweet baby. We want the best for him, whatever that is. We want God to show us His healing power and His supernatural peace.

There are many, many decisions to make and that is very overwhelming in the midst of so much.

I appreciate the prayers and emails. It means a lot.

http://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

Update from Philly

Friends and family,

Crystal (sis in law/best friend) and I are in Philadelphia. I was supposed to have my appointment on Friday but it was moved to tomorrow (Monday). I will have tests ALL DAY tomorrow (MRI's, 3 hour ultrasound and an electrocardiogram on the baby's heart). From there the doctors will decide what next steps will be taken including possibly taking the fluid off of the lung.

I'm pretty nervous about all of this so definitely keep praying for our sweet baby boy and for me. My incredible, pilot husband is flying out in Texas for work and my parents have my special little Graham.

I'm thankful for all the gifts, prayers and encouraging words. We need them!

I'll update as soon as possible. Pray I don't have to stay all week!!!

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • 
     
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.

Urgent Trip to Philly for Procedure

Friends and family, much prayer is needed for our family as I have to travel to Philadelphia for a procedure to have the fluid drained off of the baby. I don't know how long they will keep me .

I hate leaving my family and especially little Graham. Please, please pray for us. This procedure is risky and painful and this is extremely overwhelming to have to drop everything with work and home to go to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia with little to no notice but this is what the specialists say is best.

Pray for my incredible husband as he is enduring so much right now as well.

Thanks to my family and friends for helping in so many ways including creating this site for us:

http://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

Thank you for partnering with us and being in this valley alongside us!

Quick Update on Baby Sylvestre

Today we had another appointment with a specialist about Baby Boy Sylvestre. There is fluid around the right lung and they need to monitor it closely which means I will have to have a sonogram twice a week. The fluid can cause preterm labor which could be fatal for our little one. The other major concern is that with 2 unrelated issues going on (heart and lung), there could be a problem with the baby's chromosomes leading to pretty severe developmental issues.

Prayer needs:
Pray for a healthy, fully developed heart
Normal chromosomes (no deletions, no additions)
Pray that the fluid would go away and not have to be drained at birth; draining fluid is complicated, on-going and makes open heart surgery even more complicated
Pray that I will not go into preterm labor and will make it to our scheduled c-section on August 19th
Pray for a miracle for our baby and for faith for Corey & I

Urgent Prayer for Baby Boy Sylvestre!

We found out on Friday that our sweet baby boy due in August not only has a very severe heart defect called hypo-plastic left heart syndrome (a two-chambered heart) but he also has fluid on his bowels and right lung. The doctors do not know why this is happening and it is life-threatening.

We see a specialist tomorrow for more images and we are begging God for a miracle for our sweet boy who we want to hold, bring home and raise alongside his big brother, Graham.

We are devastated to say the least but we also know that God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine. We won't stop asking! Please pray for clear lungs, clear bowel, normal chromosomes, and a full healthy heart for our sweet boy.

Ephesians 3:20-21

 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Second Wedding Anniversary: Quick Trip to Boone, NC

Corey and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary on May 11th. The weekend before our anniversary we took a quick trip and I am finally taking a few minutes to post some pictures for our trip to Boone and to Grandfather Mountain. It was also Graham's first sleepover at Papa Joe and Grandmaw Cathy's house :). He did great!

One of the running scenes in Forest Gump was filled in the curve

5.5 months preggo with Sylvestre baby boy #2

On our actual anniversary we ate at Epic Chop House and walked down to the Citizen's Center where we had our wedding reception. It was so special to be there exactly two years later remembering so many family and friends gathered at that location for our wedding. What a special night I will remember always! So thankful for all of you!

I am beyond blessed to be Mrs. Corey T. Sylvestre. I waited for 34 years for him and I joke he was hiding from me in New Hampshire but God knew all the time where he was and brought him to me in His perfect timing (not my timing!). Corey is an amazing husband and he shows me the character of Christ on a daily basis. I hope he's rubbing off on me :).