A Ministry I Never Wanted

When I was in college I spent many hours listening to talks and reading books about giving my all for Jesus. As I listened to seasoned missionaries like Helen Roseveare and passionate pastors like John Piper, I was challenged to consider my comfort zone and flee from it for fear of passivity in the urgent call of Christ. I was deeply in love with Jesus because He had pursued me for many years as ran with all my might away from my church upbringing. As my heart softened to Jesus in college, I began to desire to live a life that honored Him. I started considering where God would use me. I knew from scripture that many who followed Christ went to hard places and went through challenging times. My worldview was being shaped by legacies of Christian missionaries like Nate Saint, Jim Elliot, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I needed these challenges to my Americanized view of comfortable Christianity. 

I remember telling God in tears in my dorm room, “I will go anywhere you send me with whomever you choose.” I thought I was offering my whole heart and life. I thought I knew what a mission field looked like and I felt ready for this challenging call of Christ to take up my cross.

I would find myself thinking about the kinds of hard circumstances I might be called to at some point in my life. My limited view imagined that God might call me to live without air conditioning, far from my family, for the sake of The Gospel.

So, it was clear that I desperately needed the challenges of other spiritual giants to get out of my very limited comfort zone. I thought that my worldview had exploded to include the huts in a country without proper toilets. I thought a difficult calling was limited to ministry in the inner city or with a tribe in Africa. I can say with firsthand knowledge that ministry in both of those places is extremely difficult but once again, my scope of calling, ministry, and challenging was extremely narrow.

My view of calling and ministry has expanded with years of walking with Him. I have now seen that God often gives us ministry opportunities that we never asked for and certainly never wanted.

For example, when I approached my late twenties as a single, I thought, “For sure I’ll meet my husband soon. All my friends are married.” When my friends started having their second and third child I thought, “He must be on the horizon.”

But, that wasn’t the case. When my heart was broken at the age of 31 by a man I thought I would marry, God gave me a ministry I never wanted. What I wanted was to be married and raise children but God, in His sovereign goodness, gave me women with broken hearts to walk alongside, study scripture, and do our lives together.  He gave me opportunities to use the pain, rejection, and tears. My worldview about ministry opened again. Living many years of singleness and ministering out of that stage of life was incredibly rewarding but also vulnerable and painful. And, I certainly hadn’t asked for this season of prolonged singleness.

Fast forward a few years and God called me to a new mission field called the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. I never dreamed of spending nine months in a hospital with my very sick son. I remember holding him and thinking about that same hut in Africa that terrified me as a new Christian. I remember wishing to be in the hut far from the pain I was feeling seeing my son hurt. Once again, God gave me a ministry I never asked for or wanted. I can’t say I did this unwanted ministry well on most days for it was consuming emotionally and physically simply being a mom to a critically sick baby but I have a few select memories of God working through my presence in this unlikely mission field.

I held a mom as her son’s heart rate fell to zero and the code alarm sounded. I prayed for so many heart babies and families whom I would never had known without the calling to the heart unit. I prayed for my own son and sang songs to him about our big God. I told him of heaven and he was my ministry. I wouldn’t trade that previously unwanted mission field for the world, no matter how painful.

Now that we have lost our son, I find myself with a new ministry. Once again this is a ministry I did not want or ask for. I never wanted to be in the “I lost a child” club like the rest of its members. In the year since losing our son, people will reach out to me because they have a sick child, they have lost a child, or a close friend has lost a child. I don’t have magic words but I am honest, vulnerable, and cry real tears with them. I don’t try to suppress their pain with fluffy words or put a quick band-aid on it with a verse out of place. I simply hear their stories, share mine, and together we feebly try to see the hope only found in Jesus.

I’m guessing that God has given most of us ministries we never wanted. I can think of a few just amongst my friends.

Folks like the…

Foster parents who are offering their hearts to the unknown for the sake of the children.

Single women giving their everything for Christ and not settling for less than God’s best.

Teachers who bring in extra supplies and deeply love their students.

Nurses who do their very best even when they are bone tired.

Divorcees who choose to engage in church and love on others even when their lives have been torn apart.

Parents taking care of chronically sick children.

Pastors who come to your side during all the beautiful and horrific things life brings.

Families who are pursuing adoption after long battles with infertility and miscarriages.

While I still am unsure about this ministry with hurting families of child loss, I am honored that God would use my broken heart once again in the lives of others to bring glory for His namesake.

For all of you stepping into ministry moments that you never wanted, I am right there too and I see you. Most importantly God sees you and He’s equipped you, even if you never asked for it!

To God be the Glory

Honeymoon

It has been over a year since my wonderful husband and I spent our honeymoon in Jamaica. I'm finally getting these pictures uploaded! We spent a lot of time trying to find somewhere we could go to make the most of the five days Corey had off of work after the wedding. We knew that we wanted somewhere that was all inclusive, relaxing and tropical. It was such a wonderful time as newly weds!

Corey talked me into going zip lining. I screamed on each one of them!

This boat ride was so fun but I thought we were going to die! We also went snorkeling but we don't have pictures of that since we didn't bring our phones on the boat.

While this is very personal, I'll take a minute to share that Corey and I had committed early in our relationship to wait to have sex on our honeymoon. I share this because I know that it is a rare thing to have something so important happen in an intentional way where I was treasured and with someone fully committed to me and who loves me. It isn't very "normal" in our culture today to wait for marriage. I can say now that I am married that approaching sex with intention, commitment and a deep love is incredibly special and meaningful. Sex without marriage can lead to incredibly painful feelings of vulnerability and being used. As a Christian I think it is important to combat the voices of today's culture and outright say that married sex is not boring or old fashioned/out of style. It actually is secure, special, wonderful, meaningful. I heard somewhere that sex is actually a physical way to say your vows to your spouse. To have a way to communicate value, trust, beauty, joy that God gave us is so special.  To feel treasured and not used is also the way God set it up to be. I hope my vulnerability encourages those of you in the midst of this decision. It's worth the wait.

Broken & Mended

Last night I had a dream. One of those this feels real dreams. It was brief but felt real. I was with the guy I dated before meeting Corey. The dream went something like this. We were on the street and I walking slightly in front of him and I was crying. He looked at me with an iced cold indifference. All I remember saying in the dream was, "You have no idea what I gave up." The whole dream I was thinking of Corey. Of course, I didn't know Corey when I was dating this guy so it didn't make any sense in reality. I woke up shortly after this. 

Since waking up this morning the emotions of the dream have stuck with me and caused me to think a lot today about that painful season of my life. I've been thinking about the palpable feeling of this guy's indifference compared to the amazing love and care I feel from Corey. 

That season of my life was so painful. I was 31 and had been dating a guy I called "my journal walking around" for around a year and he ended things suddenly without a word....just silence. I had experienced heart break in my twenties and this pain felt so familiar but much stronger & deeper. I thought for sure I would marry that guy. For months I walked the streets of Manhattan with tears running down my face. I had Psalm 116 on a card that I carried in my pocket that I would clinch on the train when things felt too hard. I cried at my desk. I didn't sleep through the night once for six months and mostly only fell asleep due to the distraction of the another episode of Friends. I was basically devastated and couldn't see past where I was and couldn't imagine life without this man who had walked away.

Little did I know that God had Corey enter my life almost a year after that horrible break up. Corey didn't fix that loss. God did. He restored me and then gave me Corey. It was a long, painful road but I am so thankful for the Lord's felt presence even when painful things come up in my subconsciousness.

Once again, I am so thankful for that husband of mine who loves me so well and is never indifferent to my tears. In fact, if I cry...he almost always tears up alongside me. He says he can't help it. That's love.

Lessons in Wal-Mart

So I live in the burbs again which means easy access to Target and Wal-mart. I pretty much miss NYC everyday on some level but I will say having the ease of going to a store that has everything is a pretty nice convenience.

On that note I was in Wal-Mart this week buying up tons of supplies for an event we had on campus at my new job (I'm done with maternity leave...boo!). I was on the aisle getting napkins, spoons and bowls for our End of Year Ice Cream Social.

As I stood their trying to find the best deal for hundreds of bowls, I overheard a conversation that should not happen at all, much less in public. It was an older married couple. The wife was berating her husband over something he put in the cart. She said things like, "Why are you so stupid? We don't need this and I'm not paying that for this." The berating was much longer and louder. Her husband slowly walked by me and rounded the corner, standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his wife. He never said a word even as his wife continued louder and louder as he walked away.

My first thought was, "Yikes! I shouldn't be here! Poor guy!"

Then I thought about Corey. That wonderful husband of mine. My guess is this wife in Wal-Mart potentially felt about her husband the way I feel about Corey at some point in her life. But, something had changed over the many, many years together. I wonder when it shifted. When did it become okay in their marriage that she could say hateful things to him and he just take it quietly?  Was it after she suffered some great loss or illness and her patience had dwindled? When did she start taking him for granted, like he will always be around and take whatever she dishes out? What day did she decide, "I think I will berate my husband and make him feel low, unimportant, stupid and in my way."?

The sad thing I realized as I left the aisle in Wal-Mart is that this wife didn't make those decisions. She fell into them slowly. She did not decide 30 or 40 years ago to uplift her husband even when it is incredibly hard to. She let herself one decision, one cutting word at a time become someone that even me, a stranger, wanted to run away from.

My other thought was, "What if this husband made a real mistake?" She'd have his skin! For some reason this husband stayed with this woman. He was beaten daily I'm sure by her words and somehow he stayed.

I've been thinking about this older couple all week and praying for wisdom, patience and intentional decisions in how I speak to and about my incredible husband...no matter his actions. He is mine to uplift. He is entrusted to me to eventually present to Christ. I get to be his best cheerleader and soft place to land at the end of the day. I pray now as I write this that no matter the pains of life that come that God would keep me soft. Keep my tone loving and forgiving. That Corey would come to me first in a failure rather than being worried at my response. That he would know I have his back no matter what.

I realize the husband in Wal-Mart isn't innocent. I'm sure he has damaged their marriage in his own ways. BUT, a wife's tongue can tear her husband down or lift him up like no one else's. A wife's tongue has more power than we give it credit. I hope that I will make intentional decisions how I speak to Corey rather than 10 years from now we have some terrible pattern that is almost impossible to stop.

Call me on it if you see it changing in me. I'm serious!

I love this man and finally got him after 34 long years of waiting and praying. 

He is invaluable and I hope that 40 years from now if we are in Wal-Mart together picking out old people stuff then what strangers in their 30's would observe about us is deep love, lots of forgiveness given and me giggling at his silly voices & noises and of course us being hand in hand stealing as many kisses as I get in this lifetime.


Lord, thank you for Corey. Guard my tongue. Don't let me take him for granted....ever! Amen.

PS This song below is on repeat when I'm at my desk at work!

My Favorite Australian

New York is one of the best places in the world to live..... EXCEPT for one major thing...you have to get really good at good byes and then reinvesting yourself in new community.

Today is the end of an era. My favorite Australian is moving back to Perth from NYC. I met Ashley online :). Well, the Redeemer classifieds anyway. I wasn't searching for a deep friendship as much as I was looking for someone to live on our loft. God gave me both. She moved in wearing a white skirt and pearls and bought shelves to install on the loft for all of her high heels. She had a table up there for her tea set. You can't stand in the space but she had her tea set arranged :). She painted one wall pale pink. She was an amazing roommate to me during the time I was getting to know and date Corey and squealed with me like a little girl when we got engaged! Our 4A parties were spectacular because she brings beauty and thoughtfulness wherever she goes.

I've learned so much from her and she makes me so much fancier than I am naturally :). She helped me plan my wedding and implemented dreams of that weekend that I've had since I was a little girl. She says things like darling, oh suga', toMAto, dear, would you like some tea? She startles easily which Corey loves to take advantage of. NYC will forever have an Ashley shaped hole in it and our community there in NYC is better off for her glamorous presence. We all see that she loves Jesus and spreads His joy easily.

With tears in my eyes we send you off...bride to be....love you so much!! Christian, take good care of our girl! Have a wonderfully special wedding day and send us lots of pictures!

Pregnancy and more!

So I thought I should probably make a few notes to remember my pregnancy. I am normally a person who journals regularly but let's face it. Not this year. That makes me a little sad since this has been such a significant year but the reality is I either simply have not had time or the emotional energy to put down on paper the things I normally like to record and process. So I find myself exactly two weeks before our baby is due and I've not written about the experience of being pregnant. Anyone who knows me for more than five minutes will tell you lots of things about me but one of them is that I'm not great at dealing with pain or discomfort or being hot, etc. I try not to be a brat but I do try to change my circumstance :).

Overall I've had a great pregnancy with little incident. All of my doctor's appointments have gone smoothly. I know I can't take these things for granted. I have dear friends who know what a miracle that is! I was quite sick most of July and part of August. Morning sickness is a not truthful euphemism for yucky, gross sick all day most days.  It is where you need to eat to feel better but hate to eat because you feel so gross. I am also thankful that subsided and I know that is also not the case for many friends of mine.

Friends have asked about cravings. I've had a few....I think. Mainly it is just that something will sound really good to me over other things. I guess that is a craving. I have also wanted things I've not thought about for years like chocolate milk. The main thing I've had concerning food is food aversions. I normally dislike onions. I loathe them right now. I normally eat salad daily. Hate it. I normally eat chicken and eggs regularly. Hate those too. Can't even handle the smell of eggs being cooked. Oh smell. That is just a cruel thing that happens to pregnant women. I am already sensitive to getting migraines. I don't get them often. Maybe 4 times a year but when I do get them...yikes! And, over time I've figured out that certain smells can push me from normal headache to severe migraine. So, having the bionic prego nose is no fun! While I'm ranting...when something says fragrance free...they are normally lying.

I've done 3 loads of baby clothes laundry now. Feels completely surreal, I'll be honest. You see I know how to be single. Single the city. Single and loving Jesus. Single and traveling the world. I still haven't really figured out being married (to the best hubby ever!) and within the next few weeks, a little one will be here. One that fits into these things. 

Blows my mind! 

My sweet husband got the car seat and stroller out of the box and ready to go. Seeing it in our house feels out of place to me. I know I can't be in denial for too much longer. I can feel & see this baby moving like crazy and I know he or she is running out of room because I sure can't breathe! 

Friends, definitely pray for me as I approach time for labor & delivery. I'm a big chicken but I know I can do this and I'm excited to meet this little person. I hope he or she looks like daddy because I sure love looking at him :).

Here are some pics of the baby shower my mom's cousin hosted. They spoiled this little one! Such a lovely time with church friends who have known me my whole life! Thanks to Renee, Crystal and my mama for pulling this together! I can't get over that cake!

A Decade Late?

The original post is here on my former blog, Southern in the City.

As most all of you know I got engaged to Corey Sylvestre on September 27, 2012. We have gotten to know one another over the last year and have grown to love and really appreciate each other. I can't wait to be his bride on May 11th.

Since our engagement I have started the much anticipated wedding planning. Most of it has been fun, exciting and what I hoped it would be. Some of it, not so much.

As I was starting this process, I began noticing a trend in my friends' facebook statuses. "Happy ten years, honey!" "Can't believe we've been together a decade!" "Just got back from celebrating ten years of marriage!" These are my friends who married their college sweethearts.

Honestly, my late twenties were incredibly difficult as a single surround by couples in love and starting families but as many dear friends reminded me, the Lord knows what He is doing and knows my needs.

I've always wanted marriage and children but my heart's desires have also been pretty broad. I love traveling and being with people from different cultures from my own. I constantly feel the tugs and tensions of the dual country girl/city girl parts of my personality. I love being deeply involved in the lives of many young believers and watching their faith take shape and the Gospel take root. I love to work and to create systems for clearer management and function to make the team I'm on more effective. I love being a resource for people and to network friends for personal, spiritual and professional growth.

I share these desires because I've gotten to experience all of them in this sometimes not so easy decade of singleness. By the Lord's amazing grace, I've lived in South Africa for 2 summers, spent 2 weeks in Cape Town on a missions' trip, traveled to India, gone to Europe many times and gotten to live for the last 5 years in one of the most diverse, amazing cities in the world, NYC.! Because of these experiences, I have friends from around the world who have taught me so much about life, the world and myself. For the years after grad school, I got to live within 45 minutes of my family and continue being the country girl that I am. THEN, I got to move to New York and let that part of my heart flourish and grow. My time in New York has been priceless in terms of expanding my horizons, my view of what I am capable of and where I can go in my future. Some of the leaders of our culture are my friends. Little 'ol me :). Over the last ten years, I have been a part of women's groups where I've grown to know God in deep ways. Each of those women are treasures to me and have made lasting, eternal impacts on my life. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. My jobs with UNC Charlotte, Campus Outreach and Redeemer have developed me into a professional and given me skills & experiences beyond what I had planned for or dreamed of. I've been able to use my gifts, talents and education broadly and with lasting impact. I've had opportunities to write, speak and do the nitty gritty of ministry in a full time capacity.

I know that I have been able to leave my current context for extended times because of my singleness. I can decide that my budget can be shifted to meet goals like going to India or Cape Town or France or to live in this crazy expensive town. I can devote myself to work and ministry and to more people. I could only build this many deep relationships over the last ten years because I've had the capacity of single woman.

I'm writing most of this for myself to remember all God has done. While all of these things are true in hindsight, this prolonged season of singleness has not been a rosy one. Church has been an incredibly hard place for me. Church is often a time for family while I've spent Sundays trying not to cry. Dating is a cruel, brutal pathway to finding an honorable man worthy of partnership (don't get me started on how crappy online dating can be). Babysitting my friends' children is an incredible delight and also a painful reminder. Buying two cars, a house, renting an apartment in New York City, joining churches, changing jobs, going through broken hearts and grief, leaving family, moving, handling finances are not things to be done alone for the weary at heart. Especially therent a New York apartment one! These are things that my lovely, wonderful friends who are celebrating that decade mark have done together. I know they have struggled as well and no walk on this earth is without pain. BUT, having a partner in the pain does make the burden lighter. My single girlfriends have definitely done some of that for me in many circumstances.

I share these personal thoughts with you mainly to highlight God's sovereign plan in my life. Over the last ten years I've prayed prayers that God didn't answer the way I wanted him to. I prayed to marry men that weren't my husband and now in hindsight, I'm so grateful that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I'm thankful He gave me time to have deep roots with my family and wings to see the world and love people with awesome accents different from my southern draw.

God knows that if I were among those sweet friends who are on their third or fourth child now, that I easily could have been bitter or feeling trapped. He knew that I needed this time to experience Him and to fulfill some of my heart's desires. There were many days in my singleness that I couldn't even identify my real desires because they were so masked by my desire for marriage. But, my sweet Jesus knew them all the while.

I guess my point is...marriage is not coming to me a decade late. It is in His perfect timing. Corey is the right man and this is the right time. I think I will be a much better wife to Corey now than I would have been ten years ago (largely because of your friendship). I tried to know these things in the midst of the loneliness but honestly couldn't see it most of the time. That is why I write it now.

To God be the Glory for Corey, for you, for the secret prayerful tears that stained my pillow when I was 27 and so single & for our wedding day, May 11th.

The Proposal

http://alexanderamy.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-proposal.html

I wrote out the story of our proposal on my former blog, "Southern in the City". There are photos as well of on that post.

I get to marry Corey Sylvestre!

Corey and I have been dating just over a year. Last August we shared our first of many Central Park walks. Though we recently have been talking more seriously about a future together, Corey pulled a fast one on me last week.

We didn't have the opportunity to celebrate our one year anniversary on August 27th because our flight was delayed (four times!) in Charlotte. We had gone down for my grandfather's 95th birthday celebration and to see family. Once we got back to NYC, we were too tired to even think of getting dressed up and going out. We ended up ordering in and hung out with Bethany! It was a restful, nice night.

So, when Corey asked me early last week to go on a "get dressed up" kind of date, I merely thought it was to celebrate our anniversary. We had a nice dinner at a restaurant in Columbus Circle called Robert that overlooks Central Park.

After dinner we were maybe going to get dessert somewhere and Corey suggested we take a walk through the park. This isn't unusual at all. We walk from Columbus Circle to Sheep's Meadow to Poet's Walk and then he starts heading east.

Taken in the park close to Columbus Circle. Look at that smirk!

I was fine until that point. See, I was wearing heels. I was trying to be a good sport but a girl can only do so much :). So after asking a lot of questions about why we must walk so far, I gave in and just tried to go with it. I wasn't suspecting anything. Corey is adventurous and likes to walk and wander the park. We ended up walking to the Great Lawn. They were setting up for a very large concert. I didn't know at the time but this threw Corey's plans out the window. He had planned to propose in the middle of the Great Lawn. So from there he was looking for plan B. We walked up to Belvedere Castle. This was the moment I thought, "Wait. We are dressed up. At night. In the park. The castle is where we came on our first date. Is he going to propose?" But, then I talked myself out of it. I mean I thought he didn't have the ring yet, that he was for sure going to propose at his parent's farm in New Hampshire and it wouldn't happen just yet. So when we left the castle, I thought, "Yep. He's going to propose later on his family's farm."

This is a picture we took at the castle just before he proposed. Ring in his pocket...being sneaky!

So we continue to walk a bit heading south. We passed the Swedish Cottage: Marionette Theatre. Corey noticed Shakespeare's garden behind the theatre and said they were working on it a few days earlier and he wanted to see what they had done. So we walk back in there. Now this is away from my apartment so I was thinking, I need to take a break from walking. Remember, HIGH HEELS! I noticed they had some benches. We passed a few and he keeps going. The next set of benches that I see I ask, "Hey, can I take a break?" Once again trying not to be too much of a brat ;).

Before I could get all the way turned around and seated, Corey was on one knee with the ring box out and open. He said, "Amy Alexander, will you marry me?" Corey said I didn't say anything for a few seconds but all I remember is screaming, "Are you proposing?" He said I continued to ask him that and several other questions over & over again while hugging him but I didn't give him my answer for almost 2 minutes. Poor guy. He had to ask me, "So what's your answer?" And because I am a very smart woman, I said, "Yes, of course I'll marry you!" I heard Corey telling the story to someone later. He said I screamed so loudly that not a person in the park missed it.

We sat there on the bench where he proposed and called my parents. They were the only 2 people besides Corey that knew he was going to propose that night. Corey had called them earlier in the day to ask permission to propose to me. Corey said my dad started to cry which made me cry. We called my brothers and a few friends who we thought might still be awake at that late hour. My roommate screamed too!!

This is on the walk back to my apartment. We stopped a random lady to take our picture.

We walked towards my apartment and then we stopped and prayed and I cried. My sweet roommates, Ashley & Meredith, stayed up to congratulate us and scream with me :).

Here's a pic they took.

And here's my ring! I love it!! I really wanted something that looked antique or vintage. 

Yeah! Thanks so much, baby!

A glimpse into my heart. This verse has been hanging on my closet door for several years now.

While Jesus is ultimately the desire of my heart, I wrote this verse in light of my deep longing to find my husband to do life & ministry alongside. Over the last several years God has given me a very tangible peace about being single that I had lacked years prior but the longing to be married never went away.

I look forward to many years of looking at that handsome face of Corey's and being his ministry partner. He is a steady, godly man and I highly admire & love him plus he makes me laugh a lot!