Broken & Mended

Last night I had a dream. One of those this feels real dreams. It was brief but felt real. I was with the guy I dated before meeting Corey. The dream went something like this. We were on the street and I walking slightly in front of him and I was crying. He looked at me with an iced cold indifference. All I remember saying in the dream was, "You have no idea what I gave up." The whole dream I was thinking of Corey. Of course, I didn't know Corey when I was dating this guy so it didn't make any sense in reality. I woke up shortly after this. 

Since waking up this morning the emotions of the dream have stuck with me and caused me to think a lot today about that painful season of my life. I've been thinking about the palpable feeling of this guy's indifference compared to the amazing love and care I feel from Corey. 

That season of my life was so painful. I was 31 and had been dating a guy I called "my journal walking around" for around a year and he ended things suddenly without a word....just silence. I had experienced heart break in my twenties and this pain felt so familiar but much stronger & deeper. I thought for sure I would marry that guy. For months I walked the streets of Manhattan with tears running down my face. I had Psalm 116 on a card that I carried in my pocket that I would clinch on the train when things felt too hard. I cried at my desk. I didn't sleep through the night once for six months and mostly only fell asleep due to the distraction of the another episode of Friends. I was basically devastated and couldn't see past where I was and couldn't imagine life without this man who had walked away.

Little did I know that God had Corey enter my life almost a year after that horrible break up. Corey didn't fix that loss. God did. He restored me and then gave me Corey. It was a long, painful road but I am so thankful for the Lord's felt presence even when painful things come up in my subconsciousness.

Once again, I am so thankful for that husband of mine who loves me so well and is never indifferent to my tears. In fact, if I cry...he almost always tears up alongside me. He says he can't help it. That's love.