So, now what?

My amazing husband and I just celebrated three years of marriage on May 11th. Our Graham turned two in February and we lost our eight month old Hudson on March 20th to heart disease.

Corey took a job as a news helicopter pilot in Chicago. As of now we will be there with frequent trips home to North Carolina as we walk through deep grief. Those are the practical things of our life right now. Corey is mostly finished with intense training. I’ve mostly been in North Carolina planning Hudson’s special service and taking care of Graham. I am now finishing a much needed long weekend with friends in New York City (where I lived for many years). I got the special treat of going to a dear friend’s wedding. Congrats, Misty & Braden!

We still need to find housing in Chicago (just outside of Chicago, anyway). I’m headed there with our Grahambo this coming weekend.

But, that doesn’t really answer the “now what?” question for me. I am a task master. To do list maker.

Event planner. House organizer. I can do and fix and do some more.

But, again…that’s not what I am facing really.

It is the being.
How can I just be?

How can I just sit, be quiet, talk to God, listen, be still?
It hurts too much.

New York has been such a gift the last few days. Salve to a deep wound. I’ve walked many miles just crying and pretending I’m still an upper west (best) sider.

The Hudson

I miss my family. I’m ready to be back with them. Oh, do I miss my Huddy Buddy and wish this American Airlines flight could take a layover stop where you are so I could get many snuggles and kisses.

We best buddies.

So, now what?

One foot in front of the other with teary eyes and a broken heart.

PS Thanks to those special New Yorkers who made the trip possible.

Love y’all so much!

Family Labor Day Trip to NYC

Thanks to several very generous people we got to spend Labor Day in NYC with Corey's parents, his brother, Gabe and his sister, Bekah.

I've been thinking of going up to New York all summer but I just couldn't make it work. It was such a gift to get to see so many wonderful friends and also to spend time with Corey's family with our little Graham.

In many ways it felt incredibly normal and like home to be there and in other ways, so much had changed. Some friends have moved or were out of town which made NYC feel different and of course, many shops had changed. My bodega on west 73rd had closed and I was so disappointed not to get to say hello to those folks.

BUT...I did have a great time with these ladies. Our community group had a dinner together. Joanna was also visiting from Virginia. The fact that she had baby Violet just two days before I had Graham still blows my mind.

Daniela, Robyn, Joanna, Me, Erin, Bethany

Adriana also came in from the Hamptons to spend Saturday with us. That meant so much to me!
We got to go for a quick run in the park as well.

Adriana, Robyn, Baby Graham :)

I worked with these ladies at Redeemer for several years. I miss spending my days with them!

Me, Tracy , Joanna, Bethany

"Uncle" Neil also came and spent some time with little Graham.

Graham kissed Neil without us coercing him at all. They are buddies!

We had a great time sharing our New York with Corey's family.

Three Sylvestre Men ;)
Corey's dad, Roger, Corey and baby Graham

Corey and I met on August 28, 2011 in New York and spent that whole day in Central Park. 

This pic below was taken last week on August 28th.

We got engaged on this bench on Sept. 27, 2012.

So crazy how much has happened since that proposal!

Corey and I walked around Central Park for our first date exactly three years to the day of this pic including here at Belvedere Castle.

Just before heading to the airport to come home we got to see the Taylor's.

Margaret, Graham, Hannah

We also attended Redeemer on Sunday.

Graham got the best childcare in the world :).

Pics of my favorite city:

 My home for so many years....

I had such a wonderful time at a little get together with friends and we also stopped by the Redeemer offices. 

It meant so much to me to see all of you. You are my New York family and I miss you terribly. 

This pic says it all....

Broken & Mended

Last night I had a dream. One of those this feels real dreams. It was brief but felt real. I was with the guy I dated before meeting Corey. The dream went something like this. We were on the street and I walking slightly in front of him and I was crying. He looked at me with an iced cold indifference. All I remember saying in the dream was, "You have no idea what I gave up." The whole dream I was thinking of Corey. Of course, I didn't know Corey when I was dating this guy so it didn't make any sense in reality. I woke up shortly after this. 

Since waking up this morning the emotions of the dream have stuck with me and caused me to think a lot today about that painful season of my life. I've been thinking about the palpable feeling of this guy's indifference compared to the amazing love and care I feel from Corey. 

That season of my life was so painful. I was 31 and had been dating a guy I called "my journal walking around" for around a year and he ended things suddenly without a word....just silence. I had experienced heart break in my twenties and this pain felt so familiar but much stronger & deeper. I thought for sure I would marry that guy. For months I walked the streets of Manhattan with tears running down my face. I had Psalm 116 on a card that I carried in my pocket that I would clinch on the train when things felt too hard. I cried at my desk. I didn't sleep through the night once for six months and mostly only fell asleep due to the distraction of the another episode of Friends. I was basically devastated and couldn't see past where I was and couldn't imagine life without this man who had walked away.

Little did I know that God had Corey enter my life almost a year after that horrible break up. Corey didn't fix that loss. God did. He restored me and then gave me Corey. It was a long, painful road but I am so thankful for the Lord's felt presence even when painful things come up in my subconsciousness.

Once again, I am so thankful for that husband of mine who loves me so well and is never indifferent to my tears. In fact, if I cry...he almost always tears up alongside me. He says he can't help it. That's love.

Lessons in Wal-Mart

So I live in the burbs again which means easy access to Target and Wal-mart. I pretty much miss NYC everyday on some level but I will say having the ease of going to a store that has everything is a pretty nice convenience.

On that note I was in Wal-Mart this week buying up tons of supplies for an event we had on campus at my new job (I'm done with maternity leave...boo!). I was on the aisle getting napkins, spoons and bowls for our End of Year Ice Cream Social.

As I stood their trying to find the best deal for hundreds of bowls, I overheard a conversation that should not happen at all, much less in public. It was an older married couple. The wife was berating her husband over something he put in the cart. She said things like, "Why are you so stupid? We don't need this and I'm not paying that for this." The berating was much longer and louder. Her husband slowly walked by me and rounded the corner, standing at the end of the aisle waiting for his wife. He never said a word even as his wife continued louder and louder as he walked away.

My first thought was, "Yikes! I shouldn't be here! Poor guy!"

Then I thought about Corey. That wonderful husband of mine. My guess is this wife in Wal-Mart potentially felt about her husband the way I feel about Corey at some point in her life. But, something had changed over the many, many years together. I wonder when it shifted. When did it become okay in their marriage that she could say hateful things to him and he just take it quietly?  Was it after she suffered some great loss or illness and her patience had dwindled? When did she start taking him for granted, like he will always be around and take whatever she dishes out? What day did she decide, "I think I will berate my husband and make him feel low, unimportant, stupid and in my way."?

The sad thing I realized as I left the aisle in Wal-Mart is that this wife didn't make those decisions. She fell into them slowly. She did not decide 30 or 40 years ago to uplift her husband even when it is incredibly hard to. She let herself one decision, one cutting word at a time become someone that even me, a stranger, wanted to run away from.

My other thought was, "What if this husband made a real mistake?" She'd have his skin! For some reason this husband stayed with this woman. He was beaten daily I'm sure by her words and somehow he stayed.

I've been thinking about this older couple all week and praying for wisdom, patience and intentional decisions in how I speak to and about my incredible husband...no matter his actions. He is mine to uplift. He is entrusted to me to eventually present to Christ. I get to be his best cheerleader and soft place to land at the end of the day. I pray now as I write this that no matter the pains of life that come that God would keep me soft. Keep my tone loving and forgiving. That Corey would come to me first in a failure rather than being worried at my response. That he would know I have his back no matter what.

I realize the husband in Wal-Mart isn't innocent. I'm sure he has damaged their marriage in his own ways. BUT, a wife's tongue can tear her husband down or lift him up like no one else's. A wife's tongue has more power than we give it credit. I hope that I will make intentional decisions how I speak to Corey rather than 10 years from now we have some terrible pattern that is almost impossible to stop.

Call me on it if you see it changing in me. I'm serious!

I love this man and finally got him after 34 long years of waiting and praying. 

He is invaluable and I hope that 40 years from now if we are in Wal-Mart together picking out old people stuff then what strangers in their 30's would observe about us is deep love, lots of forgiveness given and me giggling at his silly voices & noises and of course us being hand in hand stealing as many kisses as I get in this lifetime.


Lord, thank you for Corey. Guard my tongue. Don't let me take him for granted....ever! Amen.

PS This song below is on repeat when I'm at my desk at work!

My Favorite Australian

New York is one of the best places in the world to live..... EXCEPT for one major thing...you have to get really good at good byes and then reinvesting yourself in new community.

Today is the end of an era. My favorite Australian is moving back to Perth from NYC. I met Ashley online :). Well, the Redeemer classifieds anyway. I wasn't searching for a deep friendship as much as I was looking for someone to live on our loft. God gave me both. She moved in wearing a white skirt and pearls and bought shelves to install on the loft for all of her high heels. She had a table up there for her tea set. You can't stand in the space but she had her tea set arranged :). She painted one wall pale pink. She was an amazing roommate to me during the time I was getting to know and date Corey and squealed with me like a little girl when we got engaged! Our 4A parties were spectacular because she brings beauty and thoughtfulness wherever she goes.

I've learned so much from her and she makes me so much fancier than I am naturally :). She helped me plan my wedding and implemented dreams of that weekend that I've had since I was a little girl. She says things like darling, oh suga', toMAto, dear, would you like some tea? She startles easily which Corey loves to take advantage of. NYC will forever have an Ashley shaped hole in it and our community there in NYC is better off for her glamorous presence. We all see that she loves Jesus and spreads His joy easily.

With tears in my eyes we send you off...bride to be....love you so much!! Christian, take good care of our girl! Have a wonderfully special wedding day and send us lots of pictures!