Grief Sets You Apart

I miss my son. My special, strong boy. The missing will never leave me. The place where he belongs in our family only gets larger as he would be getting older. I missed him terribly at Graham's birthday party. His little brother was so clearly absent that I could feel it with each breath that I took. 

I think that I will look for him each day of my life. Every family photo I will notice where he would be. Every meal, every holiday, every moment of my life, I look to the place made just for Hudson. On Graham's wedding day, we will have a missing groomsman. On my deathbed, I will be looking and seeing where he should be standing, next to his big brother, Graham. This hole will never leave me. I will always see and feel it.

Grief is longing and loving and aching. It washes over like a tidal wave that nearly drowns you. Grief changes everything. Everything. It has changed my capacity (everything requires more energy now), the way I see the world, the way I see God and prayer and church and worship. It has changed me. My heart has aged a lifetime.

I feel everything more deeply now. The good and the hard emotions. Joy is more palpable and genuine, and sorrow is felt down in my bones.  

We all carry grief in our hearts. A lost love. A lost dream. A lost marriage. A lost child. A lost parent. A lost sibling. A lost career.  A loss of health. A loss of identity.

Our grief sets us apart. It marks us. We are persevering in a fallen and broken world with battle scars. The danger I am facing is that grief wants to separate me.

Being set apart as a veteran of grief and loss is something that God can use. 

But, grief wants to whisper often and consistently, "No one understands, nor can they understand. You are alone in your sorrow. You are alone in your loss. You don't manage your grief like you should. You should hide. You should be ashamed. You should have more faith. God doesn't even understand you anymore. You are different now. They don't want to know this new you. This hurting you. Just pull away. Just hide. Just manage the tidal wave alone."

I am in the war now. Everything in me wants to retreat and be separated by my grief. Separated from people, family, my own heart, and certainly from this big God who loves me but confuses me.

My new prayer is that God would allow my grief to set me apart, battle scars and all. But, that I won't believe the lies and run away alone and be swallowed by the grief. Because, oh will it swallow you! 

I was reminded of this beautiful song last week and I just realized (after naming this post!) it has the phrase, "set me apart" right there in the lyrics. Lord, chase me down when grief drags me to loneliness, hopelessness, and deep sorrow. Don't let me isolate my heart from those who love me. Don't let my hardened, bruised heart push you away. Mold me, Lord. Make me like clay in your hands. I've been there before but now, I'm so wounded that my heart is hardened in the survival of grief. Soften me, Lord, and then use me again.

The Potter's Hand

Beautiful Lord, wonderful savior

I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands

Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence

Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit

Teach me, dear Lord,

To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling

Set me apart

I know You're drawing me to Yourself

Lead me, Lord, I pray

Take me, Mold me

Use me, Fill me

I give my life to the Potter's hands

Hold me, Guide me

Lead me, Walk beside me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

Always Thinking for Our Boy

Several months ago I was cleaning out my inbox and I moved an email to Hudson’s folder. I had a quick thought, “I’ll show this to him one day.” I can’t explain why my brain does that. I am very clear that my son is in heaven. I miss him every second of every day. I’m consistently aware of his absence and where he would be sitting at the table, in the grocery cart, in the back seat, at church, etc. But, randomly I have these moments like the one with saving an email for later. I can’t explain why this happens but it does and it catches me off guard. I don’t think I had ever mentioned this happening to Corey and then yesterday it happened to him.

It was a hot, beautiful day to be outside so we took Graham to play in the water and to get ice cream. As we were leaving Corey took Graham to change out of his wet clothes and I went inside the store. We said we would meet at the car in a few minutes. When I came back Corey told me, “I just had a weird thought. I was getting Graham to the car and randomly said to myself that you must have Hudson.”

We both cried for the palpable absence of our sweet boy and then smiled a bit knowing that our hearts can’t help but still parent him and look out for him. We never forget he’s gone but there are moments we are still “mama and daddy.” We save things to show him and think to be sure he’s looked after as we walk to the car.

We’re still looking out for our boy. Always will. Our hearts won’t let us do otherwise even though our minds know he’s in good hands.

Missing you, Huddy Buddy!

Is God Still Good When Your Child Dies?

As Christians we study the Bible to learn the character of the God we worship. We find that He is sovereign, holy, eternal while simultaneously being tender, loving and good.  Our entire purpose and existence is to glorify this good God and enjoy Him forever not just now in this world but for all eternity. These are the truths of Christianity that we hold dear.  As children we sing, "God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He's so good to me."

But, is God still good when your child dies?

The last year and a half of my life has been excruciating as I watched my precious baby boy come into and leave this world after just eight months and three days.

So as a Christian I have been forced to my knees in a new way of surrender. To surrender my child to death has caused me to question even the deepest truths of my life and faith including the goodness of God.  It has been near impossible to walk in the depths of despair and say words like the ones of Psalm 106:1.

Say them with me:

"Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting."

Now let’s try saying them as your child breathes his last breath. Or as your spouse walks out the door. Or as the power is shut off. Or as you celebrate Christmas without your loved one. Or as you are huddled in a corner in Aleppo with your terrified family. But, we should say them at these most horrific times because these holy words are true.

I've doubted the goodness of God in my situation and perhaps you have too. When everything in me screams that there is no way God can be good, I must look to His Word and not let my faith be swayed by my emotions or my circumstances. Knowing that God is good doesn't diminish my pain or loss but it gives me firm, eternal ground to stand on. My circumstance is not good. But, He is good.

This I know is true: God's goodness is eternal. He was good when the people of Israel were enslaved. He was good when Jesus was on the cross. He was good during World War II and the Holocaust. He was good when my dad was at war in Vietnam and He is good today as I sit in my home looking at my son's Christmas stocking without him.

We intentionally (though a bit hesitantly) chose our Christmas card this year to remind ourselves that the goodness of God is eternal and not circumstantial. We chose this card because it is still true even in the year our son died.

This Christmas night I’m so thankful that God's goodness is forever. Somehow, in His sovereign will, He will work even the darkest, ugliest, most painful parts of our broken hearts into His good story of redemption alongside the story of the nativity. God doesn't explain Himself fully to us in this life but what we know dimly now, we will know fully when we see Him face to face in all His goodness.

Dear Hudson: a letter to my baby boy in heaven

From Daddy & Mama

Written for our Hudson for his special service

May 20, 2016

Our Precious Hudson, our Huddy Buddy,

We often told you that you were the strongest person we had ever met. We sang Happy Birthday regularly. We would hold you for hours and sing to you and you would hold onto our finger for dear life. We talked about the seasons, what kindergarten is like, what middle and high school is like, prom, college, your amazing grandparents, fun uncles, aunts & cousins, The Alexander Farm and The Sylvestre farm and about tractors and helicopters. How we met and fell in love walking along the HUDSON River. About your big brother, Grahambo who learned the word, “brother” before he could say Hudson because that is how he knew you, his little brother. We told you about everything but most importantly about Jesus and heaven and how it was a real place where we will all be together.

We are so happy that you know the whole story now. You know what eternity is, what God looks like and you’ve touched the nail prints in Jesus’ hands. You’ve seen the golden streets and spent time with the Apostle Paul. There are no scars on your little body. You know the WHOLE story. THE WHOLE REDEMPTIVE STORY. You know your piece of the story and how much of an impact you’ve had on thousands of people, mostly on your mama and daddy’s hearts.

Forevermore, we will be Hudson’s mama and daddy. Though your home is in heaven, you will forever be our special boy who we would stare into your eyes and wished to bring to our house and show you the precious things of life, the mundane things and the most important things. We will miss your chubby cheeks, your squishy arms, your silly side burns and your little grunts telling us about your day.

We wanted to teach your ABC’s and how to count to five. We wanted to see you run and play and call your name across the house when it’s time for bed. We wanted to cuddle you and Graham on the bed just before it was time for “night, night”. We wanted to dance at your wedding and be your children’s grandparents but God’s plan was different.

God chose to call you home and to reveal to you, before us, His whole redemptive story. We don’t know exactly how heaven works. We know we will worship our amazing God but we do hope that God will allow you to welcome us there. To welcome us home, to be truly home and to finally see the whole story alongside you. What a glorious day it will be, to be with you again, our boy. Our precious Hudson. Our Huddy Buddy.

We miss you and wish we could have you back but sweet boy, enjoy our sweet Jesus. We are so glad you are whole.

We best buddies. Daddy, Mama, Graham & Hudson.

We best buddies…forevermore.

Hudson's Story

Sitting around a conference room table is not an unfamiliar place for me. I’ve done it for years for my job but this was a different experience that made me sick to my stomach. Once again my husband and I were talking to the brightest minds in our country about our son’s health and the news was very grim. They couldn’t even give us statistics for survival as they had not seen his specific case before.

Meet our son…

Our incredibly precious and strong baby boy, Hudson Sylvestre was born six weeks premature on July 17, 2015 with a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome, meaning he only has half a heart. With just two days’ notice, our family had to leave our home, jobs, church and family in North Carolina to relocate to Philadelphia to save our son’s life. In addition to his congenital heart defect, Hudson has also experienced several other life threatening conditions that required intervention even while in the womb.

In the delivery room the doctors offered for the hospital chaplain to come and quickly baptize our son and a photographer to get pictures in case we weren’t able to see him alive. To everyone’s surprise Hudson is breathing on his own after going into cardiac arrest and then being on life support.

Hudson has undergone open heart surgery and liver surgery as well as suffering through a life threatening infection in his stomach two different times. Our Hudson is an incredible fighter and is now three months old and in the cardiac intensive care unit at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP). He will remain under CHOP’s care until he is big enough for his second open heart surgery which means we will be away from home for at least several more months. We are so deeply thankful for the expert care he is receiving.

There are not sufficient words to express our gratitude to God, to the many family members, friends, churches and even strangers who have cared for us during such a painful time. Strangers have welcomed us into their homes, loaned us cars, donated food and funds. We love our sweet Hudson so much and we would have already been devastated without the support of others.

We ask you to join us in prayer for Hudson’s life and health. Thankfully he is stable now and is such a cutie. Check out his cheeks!

Hope lives here!

Romans 5:3-5

We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

With grateful hearts,

Corey, Amy & Big brother Graham

PS I’ve often said that if tears healed babies, our son would be whole.

To join Hudson’s journey, visit his page:

https://www.facebook.com/hudsonsheart/

https://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

I want to be able to sing this song and mean it....

Grander earth has quaked before Moved by the sound of His voice Seas that are shaken and stirred Can be calmed and broken for my regard Chorus Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Through it all, through it all It is well Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You It is well with me Verse 2 Far be it from me to not believe Even when my eyes can't see And this mountain that's in front of me Will be thrown into the midst of the sea Chorus Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Through it all, through it all It is well Bridge x3 So let go my soul and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name(repeat last line during 3rd run) It is well with my soul It is well with my soul It is well with my soul It is well with my soul repeat 3x(increasing in strength and volume) It is well it is well with my soul x3 ahhhhhhh (softly) Chorus x2-3 (softly slowly) Through it all, through it all My eyes are on You Lord Through it all, through it all It is well with me.

Current Prayer Needs and Update

So I am back home for a few days from our trip to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. They drained the fluid from the baby's lungs. The fluid is returning so I will have to have it drained again on Monday. I will be traveling back to Philly on Sunday.

We are waiting on genetic test results. Some have come back and they are clear..Praise the Lord! The rest will be back within 2 weeks. Please pray there are no problems at all with the chromosomes. These tests could determine if they can operate on the baby's heart or not. We are begging God for normal, perfect chromosomes to give our little the best shot.

Prayer Needs:

• Safety for the baby. The fluid can cause development delays in blood vessels, lungs, etc. Please pray this doesn't happen and that the fluid would stop returning.
• Pray for normal genetic testing results!!!
• Pray that I do NOT go into labor. This would be terminal for the baby. My amniotic fluid is also increasing which can put me into labor. Pray this would stop. I'm only 32 weeks and need to make it to 39 if at all possible which is August 19th.
• There is a high likelihood that I will be having the baby in Philadelphia, which means a several month relocation. Of course, this will be determined by the survival of our little one. Please pray for all the logistics of this. Housing, cars, finances, my job, Corey being away for the month of July for work, our little Graham, all the medical decisions and appointments. 

Amazing thanks:

In the midst of my darkest days I have experienced generosity from friends, family and strangers. From financial gifts, to encouraging words, to a free home to stay next week from people I don't even know. People have paid for our hotel. Being in this situation has challenged my faith and fortitude like nothing else but seeing other peoples' hearts reminds me of a tender, loving God in a very tangible way. I could easily crumbled and crawl in a dark, dark hole but you all have been the representation of our Holy God to me. Thank you for being that light. I need it so badly every day. Please pray for my and my baby's health but also pray for my faith and mental fortitude. As you can imagine, carrying this baby who is moving as I write and knowing I may never get to hold him, could send me to a very ugly place. Thank you for your perseverance in prayer on our behalf.

Desperate Prayer Needed

We found out recently that this little baby boy growing in my belly only has a two-chambered heart, a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome.

We have more appointments to learn what all this means for this little one but from what I understand, he will require three open heart surgeries including one at birth. Some cases require a heart transplant.

There could be other complications that we are unable to detect through tests.

PLEASE, PLEASE pray for him as he is being knit together in my womb.

We are obviously so saddened by this news but we serve a very big, gracious God and we are turning to Him now asking, begging really, for his healing touch on our little boy. Pray for Corey and I as well. We need it.