Pregnant for Two Years: Adoption Journey

I read recently that elephants are pregnant from eighteen to twenty-two months.  Can you imagine? Almost two years!

During both my pregnancies I couldn't get a true, deep breath.  I had to shallow breathe for the last few months until the boys were born.  Sleep was a distant friend during the last trimester.  

Though I feared losing my freedom, I had always wanted to be a mom.  But, I was not made for pregnancy like some of my crazy awesome friends who ran daily while pregnant.  I was sick at the beginning and huge at the end.  I could barely do normal life stuff.

When you are pregnant, you are expecting.  Literally expecting.  You are waiting and anticipating.  You are preparing and rearranging and nesting.  There is a timeframe with a due date.

I've gone through this twice.  Neither went very well in terms of "normal" deliveries and both my boys spent time in the NICU.  One with minor breathing issues for 11 days and one who is now in heaven after an eight-month fight with heart disease.

So, the journey to motherhood has not been an easy path.  I can't say many moms would say it is easy.  Many of my dearest friends have suffered the horrible quiet pain of miscarriage and infertility.  Since being a mom of loss, I am now much more acquainted with the world where people lose children.  So much pain!

The crazy thing is after all of that I am still on this unpredictable journey to motherhood.  And, like that elephant, I have been pregnant for two years.  Not physically, of course. But, on paper, as we wait to adopt.

Two years ago this week I attended my very first informational meeting about adoption with a dear friend of mine.  She is also a mom who has been through the adoption process and has a beautiful daughter.  She would totally agree with me that the road to motherhood is not without its painful detours.

Since college, I have always wanted to adopt and dreamed of scooping littles ones up from all around the world.  But, some days I just wish to have another baby but it just isn't the very best thing medically for my body and that brings its own set of feelings of loss.

Adopting has proven to be just like pregnancy.  It is a lot of waiting.  A lot of unknowns. A lot of shallows breaths.  A lot of sleepless hours or dreams of babies who aren't in my arms.  A lot of wishing and expecting.  There is no "planned parenthood" when it comes to adoption.  We could adopt tomorrow or in a year.  Even though we have been active with our agency for 14 months!  There is no due date.

So, for now, I will for this month feel empathy for that mama elephant as I wait and wait and wait and wait....how long do we wait????  How many times will we come close and it fall through?

Pray for us as we wait.  Pray for wisdom as we think about our family and what is best for our future.  Pray that God will grow our family through adoption and prepare us along the way.  Pray for me as I can't get a full deep breath and my sleep is affected just like it was when I was waiting on my boys.

Pray we get THE call and it doesn't fall through....again!

Hudson's Big Brother

Hudson's name comes up every day in our house. A memory will come to mind or we will see his name somewhere. I kid you not. Every day that little boy's name appears on clothing labels, work trailers, street signs, ring designs, or something just out of the blue online or in a store. So, it is not uncommon for us to talk about him.

Tonight on the way to the store, Graham asked me if he was my favorite boy. This is something we do often. I told him that he was my favorite boy in the whole world (after daddy, of course). A few moments went by and he said, "Was Hudson also your favorite boy?"

I choked up immediately and through my tears, I replied, "You are my favorite big boy and Hudson is my favorite little boy."

Normally after an interaction like this Graham will go on to another topic pretty quickly but tonight was different.  He wanted to keep talking about Hudson.

I've noticed the last few weeks that Graham is growing more curious about his little brother in heaven. He's asked me things like, "Mommy, why don't you have more babies?" I then reminded him that I do but that he lives in heaven with Jesus.  Graham notices that all of his friends have younger siblings.  

Twice recently he has asked me that once we "get our baby" (meaning adopt), "Will we get to keep that baby or will the baby go to heaven too?"  He is understanding more and more what it means that we had Hudson here and now we do not.  

As we pulled into the parking lot tonight, I heard sniffling coming from the back seat.  These were like grown-up sniffles from real tears. Not normal four-year-old tears because he bumped his foot for the tenth time today.  Real emotion type tears.

I asked what was wrong and he said, "I miss Hudson."  Once again, the tears flowed for both of us.  He then asked me if Hudson would ever come back to be with us. It took me a few moments to compose myself but I was finally able to whisper, "No, buddy. He won't come back.  He's in heaven."

This is the first time since losing Hudson that Graham has really cried for his brother.  He has cried before when we talked about him but tonight it was different.  These were big boy cries of grief.  I'm seeing my little boy grow up as a big brother but without his little brother. He asked me in the grocery store tonight who could sit next to him in the cart and then he said his Pooh or Hudson could sit there.

As Graham soaks up the world and sees other families, he understands who the mommy is in the family, who the daddy is, the big and little brothers and sisters.  He is beginning to realize that we are missing his three-year-old little brother in a more tangible and emotional way.  Navigating his emotions of loss is painful for both of us.

Tonight we just sat in the grocery store parking lot and cried together.  I am sure this won't be the last time we cry together over the missing piece in our family.

As we got out of the car, we played a little game we often play together.  It is called, "What if Hudson were here?" I know that might sound strange but honestly, it has helped us heal and brought us silly laughter many times.  Sometimes we say things like, "I bet Hudson would be really good at Hide and Seek." 

Tonight as we played this little family game that was created out of our grief, I said, "If Hudson were here you two could have shared a room together and maybe even gotten bunk beds. But, then he'd probably laugh at you all the time and you wouldn't get any sleep." Graham, in true big brother fashion, said, "No, he would have to room with the baby we are going to get. I'm not sharing my room."

We wiped our tears and talked about how sick our buddy Hudson was and that he fought so hard. We talked about how there are no tears in heaven and that Hudson's heart is not messed up anymore. I told Graham that Hudson won't come back because he is with Jesus and he would never, ever want to leave Him. And, then we went and got some ice cream with our tear-stained faces.

Grahambo misses you, Huddy Buddy. More and more we miss you, not less and less. The hole gets bigger as you would be getting older. In my head, I can hear the silly laughs you and your big brother would be sharing.  I'll hear them for real when I join you in eternity. Until then, my boy, we best buddies and you are my favorite boy, just like your big brother and your daddy. Love, Mommy

Here are just a few pictures of times that we have recently seen see our boy's name.  We love seeing his name. If you come across it, share it with us!

Before 40

In November I will hit a pretty big milestone in life. I turn 40. As I write that number, it seems impossible.  Where have the second have of my 30's gone? The first half I soaked up every ounce of NYC that I could!

Life has been unbelievably busy since I got married 5.5 years ago.  We've lived in five states, changed jobs, had two babies, spent almost nine months in the hospital with our youngest son, lost him to heart disease, then moved again to the Chicago area as we have been navigating loss and grief.

We also bought a lovely house and have finally found some great community through a local church.  We started the adoption journey officially about 18 months ago and we have been actively waiting for 13 of those months.

We have come super close to our forever baby three times now.  Pregnancy is no easy journey. I definitely didn't handle it well either time for different reasons. But, at least there is a due date where it comes to an end. With adoption, there are no due dates. You just WAIT and WAIT and WAIT. So, that is where we are now with our adoption journey. Waiting!

I am sure that many moms (and dads!) could say the same about their lives. Time flies by with all the big and little decisions to be made. Even if you've not moved several thousand times like us. Well, that's an exaggeration but not by much ;).

As I think about this big birthday that is lurking around the corner, it is a good time for me to take stock in a few areas of my life. I am thinking through a few goals I'd like to pursue during the next 70ish days before my bday.

Here are a few goals I have so far:

Run a 10K Race: this is something I did regularly in my old life in NYC but I haven't done a race beyond a 5k in a number of years. I'll start looking for one to do before my birthday.

NYC trip: this will likely have to have after the big bday. We have a reunion trip scheduled for December. Can't wait to see my friends and pretend I live on the upper west side for a long weekend!

Rebuild my blog or launch a new one: This goal deserves its own blog entry but I'll share that this has been on my mind for several months now. The more I grow as a writer/researcher the more I want to explore managing my own site. I plan to continue writing for the different blogs/editors that I currently write for weekly.  I have A LOT to learn for this to be what I hope for it to be but I'm going to jump soon. More details to come.

140's by 40: This goal could also take an entire blog entry...actually an entire book. My weight has gone up and down so many times.  I've struggled with extra pounds since childhood and I've obsessively taken it off several times. Sometimes I did it with eating very low calories and exercising nonstop. But, then I finally learned how to take care of myself and started running regularly. I will expound on this more too. Today I find myself where I've been many times. I am around 20 pounds heavier than I want to be. I am thankful that I'm not 75 pounds heavier like I have been in the past. I need to lose around 16ish pounds to be back in the 140's.  I feel pretty good and strong in the mid 140's.  It is going to take some self-control, a clear plan, accountability, and some good training to achieve this goal.

Adopt: Another goal...more of a dream because I can't control this one is to adopt before I'm 40. So, get to praying, people!

Grief Sets You Apart

I miss my son. My special, strong boy. The missing will never leave me. The place where he belongs in our family only gets larger as he would be getting older. I missed him terribly at Graham's birthday party. His little brother was so clearly absent that I could feel it with each breath that I took. 

I think that I will look for him each day of my life. Every family photo I will notice where he would be. Every meal, every holiday, every moment of my life, I look to the place made just for Hudson. On Graham's wedding day, we will have a missing groomsman. On my deathbed, I will be looking and seeing where he should be standing, next to his big brother, Graham. This hole will never leave me. I will always see and feel it.

Grief is longing and loving and aching. It washes over like a tidal wave that nearly drowns you. Grief changes everything. Everything. It has changed my capacity (everything requires more energy now), the way I see the world, the way I see God and prayer and church and worship. It has changed me. My heart has aged a lifetime.

I feel everything more deeply now. The good and the hard emotions. Joy is more palpable and genuine, and sorrow is felt down in my bones.  

We all carry grief in our hearts. A lost love. A lost dream. A lost marriage. A lost child. A lost parent. A lost sibling. A lost career.  A loss of health. A loss of identity.

Our grief sets us apart. It marks us. We are persevering in a fallen and broken world with battle scars. The danger I am facing is that grief wants to separate me.

Being set apart as a veteran of grief and loss is something that God can use. 

But, grief wants to whisper often and consistently, "No one understands, nor can they understand. You are alone in your sorrow. You are alone in your loss. You don't manage your grief like you should. You should hide. You should be ashamed. You should have more faith. God doesn't even understand you anymore. You are different now. They don't want to know this new you. This hurting you. Just pull away. Just hide. Just manage the tidal wave alone."

I am in the war now. Everything in me wants to retreat and be separated by my grief. Separated from people, family, my own heart, and certainly from this big God who loves me but confuses me.

My new prayer is that God would allow my grief to set me apart, battle scars and all. But, that I won't believe the lies and run away alone and be swallowed by the grief. Because, oh will it swallow you! 

I was reminded of this beautiful song last week and I just realized (after naming this post!) it has the phrase, "set me apart" right there in the lyrics. Lord, chase me down when grief drags me to loneliness, hopelessness, and deep sorrow. Don't let me isolate my heart from those who love me. Don't let my hardened, bruised heart push you away. Mold me, Lord. Make me like clay in your hands. I've been there before but now, I'm so wounded that my heart is hardened in the survival of grief. Soften me, Lord, and then use me again.

The Potter's Hand

Beautiful Lord, wonderful savior

I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands

Crafted into Your perfect plan

You gently call me, into Your presence

Guiding me by, Your Holy Spirit

Teach me, dear Lord,

To live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by, Your Holy calling

Set me apart

I know You're drawing me to Yourself

Lead me, Lord, I pray

Take me, Mold me

Use me, Fill me

I give my life to the Potter's hands

Hold me, Guide me

Lead me, Walk beside me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

A Ministry I Never Wanted

When I was in college I spent many hours listening to talks and reading books about giving my all for Jesus. As I listened to seasoned missionaries like Helen Roseveare and passionate pastors like John Piper, I was challenged to consider my comfort zone and flee from it for fear of passivity in the urgent call of Christ. I was deeply in love with Jesus because He had pursued me for many years as ran with all my might away from my church upbringing. As my heart softened to Jesus in college, I began to desire to live a life that honored Him. I started considering where God would use me. I knew from scripture that many who followed Christ went to hard places and went through challenging times. My worldview was being shaped by legacies of Christian missionaries like Nate Saint, Jim Elliot, and Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I needed these challenges to my Americanized view of comfortable Christianity. 

I remember telling God in tears in my dorm room, “I will go anywhere you send me with whomever you choose.” I thought I was offering my whole heart and life. I thought I knew what a mission field looked like and I felt ready for this challenging call of Christ to take up my cross.

I would find myself thinking about the kinds of hard circumstances I might be called to at some point in my life. My limited view imagined that God might call me to live without air conditioning, far from my family, for the sake of The Gospel.

So, it was clear that I desperately needed the challenges of other spiritual giants to get out of my very limited comfort zone. I thought that my worldview had exploded to include the huts in a country without proper toilets. I thought a difficult calling was limited to ministry in the inner city or with a tribe in Africa. I can say with firsthand knowledge that ministry in both of those places is extremely difficult but once again, my scope of calling, ministry, and challenging was extremely narrow.

My view of calling and ministry has expanded with years of walking with Him. I have now seen that God often gives us ministry opportunities that we never asked for and certainly never wanted.

For example, when I approached my late twenties as a single, I thought, “For sure I’ll meet my husband soon. All my friends are married.” When my friends started having their second and third child I thought, “He must be on the horizon.”

But, that wasn’t the case. When my heart was broken at the age of 31 by a man I thought I would marry, God gave me a ministry I never wanted. What I wanted was to be married and raise children but God, in His sovereign goodness, gave me women with broken hearts to walk alongside, study scripture, and do our lives together.  He gave me opportunities to use the pain, rejection, and tears. My worldview about ministry opened again. Living many years of singleness and ministering out of that stage of life was incredibly rewarding but also vulnerable and painful. And, I certainly hadn’t asked for this season of prolonged singleness.

Fast forward a few years and God called me to a new mission field called the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit. I never dreamed of spending nine months in a hospital with my very sick son. I remember holding him and thinking about that same hut in Africa that terrified me as a new Christian. I remember wishing to be in the hut far from the pain I was feeling seeing my son hurt. Once again, God gave me a ministry I never asked for or wanted. I can’t say I did this unwanted ministry well on most days for it was consuming emotionally and physically simply being a mom to a critically sick baby but I have a few select memories of God working through my presence in this unlikely mission field.

I held a mom as her son’s heart rate fell to zero and the code alarm sounded. I prayed for so many heart babies and families whom I would never had known without the calling to the heart unit. I prayed for my own son and sang songs to him about our big God. I told him of heaven and he was my ministry. I wouldn’t trade that previously unwanted mission field for the world, no matter how painful.

Now that we have lost our son, I find myself with a new ministry. Once again this is a ministry I did not want or ask for. I never wanted to be in the “I lost a child” club like the rest of its members. In the year since losing our son, people will reach out to me because they have a sick child, they have lost a child, or a close friend has lost a child. I don’t have magic words but I am honest, vulnerable, and cry real tears with them. I don’t try to suppress their pain with fluffy words or put a quick band-aid on it with a verse out of place. I simply hear their stories, share mine, and together we feebly try to see the hope only found in Jesus.

I’m guessing that God has given most of us ministries we never wanted. I can think of a few just amongst my friends.

Folks like the…

Foster parents who are offering their hearts to the unknown for the sake of the children.

Single women giving their everything for Christ and not settling for less than God’s best.

Teachers who bring in extra supplies and deeply love their students.

Nurses who do their very best even when they are bone tired.

Divorcees who choose to engage in church and love on others even when their lives have been torn apart.

Parents taking care of chronically sick children.

Pastors who come to your side during all the beautiful and horrific things life brings.

Families who are pursuing adoption after long battles with infertility and miscarriages.

While I still am unsure about this ministry with hurting families of child loss, I am honored that God would use my broken heart once again in the lives of others to bring glory for His namesake.

For all of you stepping into ministry moments that you never wanted, I am right there too and I see you. Most importantly God sees you and He’s equipped you, even if you never asked for it!

To God be the Glory

Hudson's Christmas Stocking 2017

As a way of honoring our son, Hudson’s fight of congenital heart disease, we are collecting gift cards of any amount to fill Hudson’s Christmas stocking.

On Christmas day, families with hospitalized children will receive the gift cards from Hudson’s Stocking with a note about Hudson’s strong fight.

We hope to send at least 50 gift cards from Hudson!

To join efforts with us, you can mail a gift card* of any amount to:

Hudson’s Christmas Stocking

PO Box 1192

Kannapolis, NC 28082

*Gift cards for any store are great but here are some suggestions: Starbucks, Amazon, Walmart, Target, Jimmy Johns, Itunes

You can also give here: https://www.gofundme.com/havehalfaheart

Thank you for being part of Hudson's Heart!

Seventy Things I love about my Deddy

1.     He loves Jesus more than anything else

2.     He tells really good stories

3.     He doesn’t let others determine what he thinks about himself

4.     He taught me that you have to like yourself because you’ll always be with yourself

5.     He works so hard and has always taken care of our family

6.     He tells people about Jesus with ease

7.     He spends time with people from all walks of life

8.     He easily shares his tears

9.     He enjoys writing stories

10. He is a talented artist

11. He will do work for people and expect nothing in return

12. He enjoys playing with Graham

13. He took care of Graham when he was an infant so I could go back to work and would bring him by my office at lunch time

14. He fixed up the downstairs so I could have my own bedroom and bathroom

15. He calls me Miss America

16. He sacrifices his own desires for all of us

17. He dropped everything and moved to Philadelphia for two months for Hudson

18. He would get up before all of us and walk to the hospital just to check on Hudson

19. He takes Graham down to the creek even after playing for hours

20. He is a good teacher of many different things

21. He is patient

22. I’ve never heard him raise his voice

23. He shares stories about Vietnam

24. He makes me feel pretty

25. He encourages me to use my skills

26. He celebrates my successes

27. He encouraged Corey to stick around 😊

28. He has always been an example for the kind of man I should marry

29. He would do anything and has done anything for his kids

30. He is funny

31. He always jokes that we should move to a remote hut he finds in National Geographic

32. He built us the zip line, tree house, creek swing, life size doll house

33. He spoils Graham with so many toys

34. He is the best Papa Joe

35. He sings and dances with Graham

36. He always made Jesus a priority for our family

37. He taught us the Bible

38. He was committed to our church by leading Sundays schools, Bible studies, doing carpentry work, etc

39. He is a skilled craftsman

40. He would work on my house in Charlotte on top of everything else had to do

41. He always brags on me

42. He will fall in the floor laughing when telling a story or watching something funny

43. He sacrificed his own time to teach at the prisons

44. He spends time playing pool at the beer joint so that he can be there for people who need Jesus

45. He would pick up hitchhikers and let them stay in our basement and give them work

46. He has prayed and prayed and prayed for our family

47. He is an avid reader

48. I have clear memories from my childhood of Deddy lying in bed reading his Bible

49. He joined a singing group to learn how to harmonize

50. He has used his skills as a carpenter to bless so many families

51. Corey likes his hair, laugh and that he helps people

52. He is handsome

53. He always gets teary when he talks about his wedding and marrying mama

54. He is forgiving

55. He has lifelong friends who I love to see him laugh with

56. He would take us to the beach for family vacation

57. He would take us to church camp

58. He gave many years to children’s ministry for no pay

59. He has been a dad to many, many people who did not have stable home lives

60. Many people call him their best friend

61. He has supported me in my dreams even if that meant having to be away from home

62. He won’t talk about people unless it is bragging on them

63. He is quick to share what he is learning from scripture

64. He can take apart and put a tractor back together with no help

65. You can hear his laugh from far away and others laugh with him

66. No matter what, he clings to Jesus

67. His mind is set on eternity and not on this temporary world

68. He loves me very much

69. He has always made life fun even when hard things were going on

70. He has lived a life of sacrifice, forgiveness, laughter, joy, fun, faith, hope, love and is the best deddy in the whole world.

I love you very much, Deddy!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY!!!

Love, Amy

(for Corey, Graham and Hudson)