I've recently been thinking a lot about the character of God and in particular as it relates to our pain and suffering. Over the years of walking with Jesus and being in His Word, I have become convinced of certain things about Him and on days like today, I am so grateful. I am thankful for those who have poured truth into my mind and heart, to those who taught me how to dig and find that same truth in God's Word for myself and to those who encourage me with truth and scripture regularly.
The reality is I need it. I need truth everyday, on all occasions but currently I need it more than I've ever needed it in my entire life. With each doctor's appointment for our little baby boy on the way, there is more grief and more to consider and understand. More terms to learn, more statistics to weigh, more decisions to make. Big decisions. Financial decisions. Big life or death decisions.
Even though I've been walking with God for many years now, I can find my mind and heart asking questions it has never asked before. I've had some ugly moments, angry moments, crying moments. I'll share some with you but, please don't judge me. I share to be vulnerable and to be honest with you and with myself. I've been so mad telling God that He is able to heal this baby but He is CHOOSING not to do so, at least not to this point. I've had brief moments where I've sympathized with those who consider termination because of the potential hell my family and this little boy may have to go through. Though I've been reassured by the experts that I didn't do anything wrong, I've blamed myself for his condition because it is MY body that is forming him and it is doing it poorly.
But, there's God.
The truth of God's character pulls my thoughts away from darkness and towards hope. There's the God of the universe who loves me and knows all my thoughts even before I think them. He can withstand my questioning and anger. He understands the pain and grief I'm going through. He suffered more than this. Jesus also asked for his pain, the cup, to be taken from him and for my sake His father did not take it. His ways are not my ways. He doesn't slumber or sleep. He collects my tears. He watched His son die. He is holy. He won't give His Glory to another. He disciplines those He loves. He is my strong tower. His love is better than life. I am the apple of His eye. He called me by name. He completes what he starts. He doesn't change. He is my refuge. He is holy and just. He is loving and patient. His grace is free and His mercies new every morning. He is with me, for me and close to the brokenhearted. His peace surpasses all natural understanding. God is good and He is sovereign.
I am currently struggling to fully understand one truth of God's character. The nearness of God is our good....but it DOES NOT mean necessarily that our pain is lessened.
All of this just makes me long for heaven where we will see Him face to face and be made like Him and there are no congenital heart defects.
Once again, thank you to those who have taught me God's character over the years. I'm so deeply thankful that God's Word is my anchor that keeps me from be blown here and there in my grief, anger and confusion.
James 1:6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
OUR THINKING VS GOD'S WORDS
We think, "It's impossible."
God says, "All things are possible."
(Luke 18:27)
We think, "I'm too tired."
God says, "I will give you rest."
(Matthew 11:28-30)
We think, "Nobody really loves me."
God says, "I love you."
(John 3:16 & John 13:34)
We think, "I can't go on."
God says, "My grace is sufficient."
(II Corinthians 12:9)
We think, "I can't figure things out."
God says, "I will direct your steps."
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
We think, "I can't do it."
God says, "You can do all things."
(Philippians 4:13)
We think, "I'm not able."
God says, "I am able."
(II Corinthians 9:8)
We think, "It's not worth it."
God says, "It will be worth it."
(Romans 8:28)
We think, "I can't forgive myself."
God says, "I forgive you."
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
We think, "I can't manage."
God says, "I will supply all your needs."
(Philippians 4:19)
We think, "I'm afraid."
God says, "I have not given you a spirit of fear."
(II Timothy 1:7)
We think, "I'm so worried and frustrated."
God says, "Cast all your cares on Me."
(I Peter 5:7)
We think, "I'm not smart enough."
God says, "I give you wisdom."
(I Corinthians 1:30)
We think, "I feel all alone."
God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you."
(Hebrews 13:5)
