This is going to brutally honest...just to warn you.
I don't know about you but my prayer life sometimes looks like a printed plan posted here or there that I diligently pray through. More often than not, it is a breathed prayer here, another there throughout my day, over a meal, as I shower, as I tuck my little Graham into bed, as I drive or walk, etc.
"God, please....we need to park sometime in the next hour. Please help us find a spot where we don't have to walk for a year to get to our apartment!"
"God, please help me find my wallet!"
"God, please be with so and so as they go through this or that."
These are my natural conversations all day long with God. Simple little moments where I try to invite God into my frustration or impatience or whatever is ruling me at the moment. I know I'm supposed to pray in faith but over the last year it has been mostly out of obedience.
But now...what about now?
My sweet husband and I have often stopped to pray together over little things. It is a habit for us.
But now...what about now?
The most important prayers we've ever said seemingly have gone unanswered. And yet, I find myself going about my normal life and breathing a prayer here and prayer there.
Then...I stop...I get angry.
I think....
"Why pray over my lost wallet or phone or a parking place or a job or a house or Syria or the presidential race or ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, when the MOST IMPORTANT PRAYERS...seemingly have gone unheard???"
How can He care about my wallet and answer that stupid prayer in seconds yet not hear me screaming on the bathroom floor for eight months?
Well, if you thought I had answers. You read this for nothing. I don't.
All I have is anger that I'm trying to wash with the eternal words of God.
He is my strong tower. He loves me. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are above my thoughts. He is God. I am not. He is eternal. I am a piece of grass withering away. I am the apple of His eye. He sent His son to die for me and for my Hudson. He loves me. He loves Hudson.
As I held my baby boy for the last time, we prayed. We prayed over our boy. I will share more about that later but one thing I told God is that we have different values. As a mama...my value is keeping my baby close to me for always. But, it was clear that within a few moments, God was going to allow my son to be taken from me for forever.
So...what does my prayer life look like right now?
Questioning
Anger
Truth
Lies
Tears
Tears
Tears
Anger
Doubt
Truth
Anger
Tears
I know the Bible, folks. I know God. I know ultimately His plans are better than mine but it is almost impossible to believe Him when your child is ripped away from you.
So that's just the brutal truth.
I love Jesus. I'm devastated.
There you have it.
Keep praying. Clearly I need it.
I don't know about you but my prayer life sometimes looks like a printed plan posted here or there that I diligently pray through. More often than not, it is a breathed prayer here, another there throughout my day, over a meal, as I shower, as I tuck my little Graham into bed, as I drive or walk, etc.
"God, please....we need to park sometime in the next hour. Please help us find a spot where we don't have to walk for a year to get to our apartment!"
"God, please help me find my wallet!"
"God, please be with so and so as they go through this or that."
These are my natural conversations all day long with God. Simple little moments where I try to invite God into my frustration or impatience or whatever is ruling me at the moment. I know I'm supposed to pray in faith but over the last year it has been mostly out of obedience.
But now...what about now?
My sweet husband and I have often stopped to pray together over little things. It is a habit for us.
But now...what about now?
The most important prayers we've ever said seemingly have gone unanswered. And yet, I find myself going about my normal life and breathing a prayer here and prayer there.
Then...I stop...I get angry.
I think....
"Why pray over my lost wallet or phone or a parking place or a job or a house or Syria or the presidential race or ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, when the MOST IMPORTANT PRAYERS...seemingly have gone unheard???"
How can He care about my wallet and answer that stupid prayer in seconds yet not hear me screaming on the bathroom floor for eight months?
Well, if you thought I had answers. You read this for nothing. I don't.
All I have is anger that I'm trying to wash with the eternal words of God.
He is my strong tower. He loves me. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are above my thoughts. He is God. I am not. He is eternal. I am a piece of grass withering away. I am the apple of His eye. He sent His son to die for me and for my Hudson. He loves me. He loves Hudson.
As I held my baby boy for the last time, we prayed. We prayed over our boy. I will share more about that later but one thing I told God is that we have different values. As a mama...my value is keeping my baby close to me for always. But, it was clear that within a few moments, God was going to allow my son to be taken from me for forever.
So...what does my prayer life look like right now?
Questioning
Anger
Truth
Lies
Tears
Tears
Tears
Anger
Doubt
Truth
Anger
Tears
I know the Bible, folks. I know God. I know ultimately His plans are better than mine but it is almost impossible to believe Him when your child is ripped away from you.
So that's just the brutal truth.
I love Jesus. I'm devastated.
There you have it.
Keep praying. Clearly I need it.
