Hudson's Big Brother

Hudson's name comes up every day in our house. A memory will come to mind or we will see his name somewhere. I kid you not. Every day that little boy's name appears on clothing labels, work trailers, street signs, ring designs, or something just out of the blue online or in a store. So, it is not uncommon for us to talk about him.

Tonight on the way to the store, Graham asked me if he was my favorite boy. This is something we do often. I told him that he was my favorite boy in the whole world (after daddy, of course). A few moments went by and he said, "Was Hudson also your favorite boy?"

I choked up immediately and through my tears, I replied, "You are my favorite big boy and Hudson is my favorite little boy."

Normally after an interaction like this Graham will go on to another topic pretty quickly but tonight was different.  He wanted to keep talking about Hudson.

I've noticed the last few weeks that Graham is growing more curious about his little brother in heaven. He's asked me things like, "Mommy, why don't you have more babies?" I then reminded him that I do but that he lives in heaven with Jesus.  Graham notices that all of his friends have younger siblings.  

Twice recently he has asked me that once we "get our baby" (meaning adopt), "Will we get to keep that baby or will the baby go to heaven too?"  He is understanding more and more what it means that we had Hudson here and now we do not.  

As we pulled into the parking lot tonight, I heard sniffling coming from the back seat.  These were like grown-up sniffles from real tears. Not normal four-year-old tears because he bumped his foot for the tenth time today.  Real emotion type tears.

I asked what was wrong and he said, "I miss Hudson."  Once again, the tears flowed for both of us.  He then asked me if Hudson would ever come back to be with us. It took me a few moments to compose myself but I was finally able to whisper, "No, buddy. He won't come back.  He's in heaven."

This is the first time since losing Hudson that Graham has really cried for his brother.  He has cried before when we talked about him but tonight it was different.  These were big boy cries of grief.  I'm seeing my little boy grow up as a big brother but without his little brother. He asked me in the grocery store tonight who could sit next to him in the cart and then he said his Pooh or Hudson could sit there.

As Graham soaks up the world and sees other families, he understands who the mommy is in the family, who the daddy is, the big and little brothers and sisters.  He is beginning to realize that we are missing his three-year-old little brother in a more tangible and emotional way.  Navigating his emotions of loss is painful for both of us.

Tonight we just sat in the grocery store parking lot and cried together.  I am sure this won't be the last time we cry together over the missing piece in our family.

As we got out of the car, we played a little game we often play together.  It is called, "What if Hudson were here?" I know that might sound strange but honestly, it has helped us heal and brought us silly laughter many times.  Sometimes we say things like, "I bet Hudson would be really good at Hide and Seek." 

Tonight as we played this little family game that was created out of our grief, I said, "If Hudson were here you two could have shared a room together and maybe even gotten bunk beds. But, then he'd probably laugh at you all the time and you wouldn't get any sleep." Graham, in true big brother fashion, said, "No, he would have to room with the baby we are going to get. I'm not sharing my room."

We wiped our tears and talked about how sick our buddy Hudson was and that he fought so hard. We talked about how there are no tears in heaven and that Hudson's heart is not messed up anymore. I told Graham that Hudson won't come back because he is with Jesus and he would never, ever want to leave Him. And, then we went and got some ice cream with our tear-stained faces.

Grahambo misses you, Huddy Buddy. More and more we miss you, not less and less. The hole gets bigger as you would be getting older. In my head, I can hear the silly laughs you and your big brother would be sharing.  I'll hear them for real when I join you in eternity. Until then, my boy, we best buddies and you are my favorite boy, just like your big brother and your daddy. Love, Mommy

Here are just a few pictures of times that we have recently seen see our boy's name.  We love seeing his name. If you come across it, share it with us!