By now you've probably heard of the book by Sheryl Sanberg, Lean In. While I agree with so much of the ideas in this book in terms of fully pursuing your dreams and not short changing your abilities or checking out early, I have to say I had a thought in the shower the other morning and I had to laugh.
I thought, "If I lean in any more, I might just fall over." My life has been a whirlwind for over a year now. While many of the changes in my life have been amazing blessings, I'm not going to lie, some days I feel completely overwhelmed and torn. I've always had a full schedule but these days I feel much more divided than ever before.
I have a wonderful life and don't want to complain but I'm sure I am not alone. Trying to learn what it means to be a wife while moving out of NYC and starting a new job and becoming a mom has been challenging to say the least. I find myself thinking frantically about my to do list and google calendar. My schizophrenic to-do lists says things like, "Make Graham's doctors appointment, call vendors for fall events, turn in the requisition, buy salsa and dish soap, mail hospital bill, get the car inspected, don't forget Corey and dad's bday, go for a RUN!, plan fall retreat." The list is long and mixed between work and home and ministry. I can't keep separate lists because the reality is at home I'm thinking about work and at work I'm thinking about home so to keep me sane I have a running to do list and calendar that are both work & home.
How do you manage?
I love my job. I work in student activities at a community college. I like dreaming of the events we can do to liven up the campus. I love investing in students and their futures and their development. I have great colleagues. I get excited about all the potential for this college and these students. But, I'm not one to be able to leave work at work. Just the other night I was excited about an upcoming student leader retreat and couldn't sleep so I started watching Ted talks on leadership at 11pm to help with planning. I was taking notes and planning on a paper towel because that's all I had near me.
I also absolutely love this wonderful husband of mine and can't get enough time with him. I know we are still newly weds one only a year under our belt but I can't soak up enough time near him. He has been traveling a lot lately for flight school and for work so every minute with him feels important.
Then, you got this amazing chubby little man, Graham, who I think about all the time. I think about his laugh while at work and almost cry.
Even when I can be fully focused on the task at hand, my body reminds me I am a new mom and I have to go and pump to make bottles for my little one. To be completely honest and vulnerable, sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of my male counterparts at work because if a meeting runs late, they aren't worried about the embarrassment a new mom could face if she misses that pumping session but that's another potential post :).
Once again, I've never been one to be bored. I most always have found responsibilities and joys to fill up my day. I have just never felt so torn in my heart and thoughts as I do now. I need to take care of my body and go for a run but I'm having such a hard time doing that after being away from Graham all day. There's always things that need to be done around our house and work is only going to get busier as the fall semester is just around the corner.
I'm looking for balance and need to be proactive versus responding to the needs of the day. I do find that my heart is mostly as peace and I don't feel frantic internally. I have to attribute that to Christ because his peace surpasses all natural understanding.
We also know that a bruised reed He will not break so I guess as I lean in as wife, mom and professional I just might lean all the way over to the ground but hopefully through His grace, I won't fall on my face but to my knees in prayer!
Thanks for reading! I would love your feedback.
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